Health Update Post Infusion 1

Health Update Post Infusion 1

by | Jan 21, 2026 | Cancer Journey, Thoughtful Thursdays

I had my first infusion for what I’ve been thinking of as my “cancer blocker treatment” on January 7, so today, over two weeks later, I figured it would be a good time to update you on how I’m doing.

These infusions are NOT full chemo. They’re somewhat similar to treatments I had after surgery in 2024, going into May of 2025, and with those, I had zero side effects. So it’s been my hope and prayer that I would respond similarly with these. These, however, are not quite the same and do include a sizable list of possible side effects–most of which are things like stomach issues and thinning hair, but the serious one is a lung condition. (I DEFINITELY appreciate prayers that I don’t experience any serious ones!)

I’ll admit I got a little emotional when I went in on the 7th and my doctors were refilling my anti-nausea meds…and when the infusion had pre-meds for anti-nausea as well. Because I know that when I was on chemo, I felt nauseous every day. Every day from mid-May until the end of August. And y’all, I do not want to feel sick every day for the next year, so that hit me hard. Hopefully I won’t, but I did definitely get some of that belly-upset in the days immediately following the infusion. No vomitting or anything, so praise God for that…but about 8 days of feeling crummy, and seriously exhausted for the first 2 or 3. As in, sit down to read after dinner and fall asleep instead, which I never do.

The bright side was that I went in with a cold, but the steroids they gave me opened my nose up and helped me get over it, LOL. I’ll take my wins wherever I can!

I was also warned that I’m very likely to feel more tired than usual in general. Which isn’t great, given that I have 7-8 books to write this year, so prayers are VERY much appreciated for me on the energy front. One of my big goals for the year is to figure out how to rebalance my schedule to allow for more, better time for writing, which will likely mean taking time from my design schedule. Prayers for wisdom in how to juggle all those things greatly appreciated too!

They do also consider me to be immune-compromised while on this treatment, so I’ll be going back into “careful” mode, masking in crowds and avoiding anyone I know is sick.

But my oncologist did also make it VERY clear that his goal is to get me off this treatment as quickly as possible. It will still likely be a year of infusions (though likely with a break in there for my next reconstruction surgery), but he does NOT want me to be on this indefinitely, and that’s music to my ears.

As for that next surgery…so my initial reconstruction isn’t doing so well, and radiation is no doubt to blame. It can (and clearly did) damage the whole area, not just the skin but the muscles and everything else in there. In my case, my right side has tightened, meaning daily pain. The area itself is still always sore and sometimes outright painful, and even my neck/shoulder muscles have been effected. When I last saw my PT and told her that my hand was tingly, we quickly determined it was from the muscles in my neck and shoulder. When we finished the diagnostic exercises that verified that and she got to work on it, it earned a “Dang, girl!” LOL. So…yeah. I’ve been doing the exercises she gave me, but I still get a tingly hand every couple days and frequently either wake up or end my day with super tight neck/shoulder muscles that result in a splitting headache.

On Monday, I had an appointment with my surgeon, who agrees that our next step should be to remove the current reconstruction and do the deep-tissue method, which uses belly fat/skin to reshape the breasts. This is where I wanted to end up eventually, I was just hoping to defer it to “down the road.” Because I’ll be honest–I’m tired of surgeries, LOL. And timing this one is tricky. My oncologist will have to clear it, and when I spoke to him about the possibility on the 7th, he said that if my scans in March are clear, then he will be comfortable pausing the infusions while I undergo and recuperate from surgery.

Because it’s a big one. It’s long and complicated, and that means recovery is too, requiring a solid eight weeks, from those I’ve spoken to who have had it. My oncologist (a) wouldn’t want me dealing with side effects from infusions while also dealing with this recovery and (b) chemo can in fact slow and interfere with recovery in general. So there we go.

As of today, I feel good. But the cycle begins again next Thursday…so prayers are very much appreciated, and I thank you all so much for them!

Given to Tears

Given to Tears

by | Jan 15, 2026 | Thoughtful Thursdays

In my P&P groups, we have several members who “process through tears.” A phrase I’ve always been familiar with, because I have many friends and family members who do the same. 

I’ve never been much of a crier. When I was a young teenager, we got the news that my grandfather had cancer, and while the rest of my family cried, I…couldn’t. Instead, I went back to my room and wrote a poem called “Why Do I Smile?” This is, in a nutshell, very typical of me. I don’t process through tears. I process through words. Not the speaking of them, but the writing of them. It’s not to say tears don’t ever come–they do. But through most of my adult life, I cried maybe twice a year. Sometimes in grief, from a loss. Sometimes in emotional pain. Once in a while in frustration.

Cancer has changed that for me. Specifically, this second round has changed it for me. Since last October, I’ve cried more than in the last decade combined. I cry when I feel my friends’ pain. I cry when I’m struck by the beauty of our Lord. I cry when I think about the future. I cry when I’ve disappointed someone. I only have to open my spirit to the Lord, and tears fill my eyes. On the one hand, this is very unlike me.

On the other, to exist in this state of emotional rawness is its own kind of blessing.

I’ll be honest. 2026 got off to a rough start for me. 2025 was ending well in a lot of ways, I thought. I’d spent Christmas week writing a fantasy novella as a sort of vacation, and I had a blast with it. I started it the Monday before Christmas and finished the Tuesday following. I felt so alive with story that I thought something along the lines of, “I can just do this every day. Just pour it all out in writing, get all those books on my calendar done in no time.”

Then came New Year’s Eve. The day ended with an email that hurt. That made it clear we’d disappointed someone, let them down, that we had failed. That was my final note of the year, and I’ll admit it. I wasn’t just hurt–I was angry. Why, why did this person have to send this email at 5pm on New Year’s Eve? Why couldn’t it have waited for Monday? To be clear, I’m not contesting her points. They were valid. But to send it at that moment felt spiteful to me.

And I crashed. I woke up on New Year’s Day upset with the world and everyone in it. I woke up crying tears of frustration. I tried to pour it all out to God, and I sounded like a whiny toddler, proclaiming, “I hate everything!” This is very unlike me. And to give myself a little grace, I’m sure it was due in large part to the migraine that struck, and the fact that I felt close to vomiting all day. I took an unplanned two-hour nap, cancelled the day’s dinner plans (because even smelling the bread I’d made for it made me feel nauseous), and curled up with a book.

And I cried. That day, and into the second. I cried because this wasn’t how I wanted to start my year. This wasn’t how I wanted to feel. I dug around inside myself and just couldn’t grab hold of the grace I knew I needed, the forgiveness, the peace. All I could find was the hurt. All I could find were the tears.

But you know what? That’s okay. There have been so, so many times over the years when I wished I could cry. When I longed for that emotional release, but I couldn’t dig it up. When whatever it is in my makeup that makes me tend toward smiles and optimism no matter what just wouldn’t let go, even when I needed to deal with emotions.

Now, I found those tears. And I let them come. I let out the frustration, I let out the hurt, I let out the disappointment in myself. I still didn’t process through tears like my friends do. I still needed the words to really work through it.

But the tears…they’ve become a sort of magnifier for me. Through them, I can see the world a little differently. They’ve become a sort of reminder of baptism, an anointing almost. A reminder that He cleansed me. He made me anew. He made me whole. He washed away my sins, and He’ll continue to work in me. Continue to wipe away those smudges.

Will the tears continue for this veteran-non-crier? I have no idea. Maybe so–maybe the rest of my life, I’ll be one of those people who cry whenever I’m moved. That would be fine. Or maybe as I put cancer behind me again (my prayer!), my usual way will reassert itself. That would be fine too.

What I know is this: In this year that began with tears, my prayer is that they water my heart. Soften the soil of it. Nurture the seeds that the Lord has planted inside me, so that I can bear whatever fruit He wants to bring forth. I pray that these tears make me more sympathetic, more understanding, more generous, more kind. I pray they make me a better friend. A better person. A better Christian. More like Him.

Sometimes, we’re told that Jesus was moved with compassion. But we’re also told that Jesus wept. Even when He knew what He was about to do, even when He knew that this death of his friend would be reversed in glory, He still felt it. He still mourned it. He still cried.

Maybe, like “classic” me, you’re not given to tears. Maybe, like “new” me,  you are. However you tend to process your emotions, I pray that in the year to come, as the world becomes ever more divided, ever more given to outrage, ever harsher, that we can become softer. Gentler. More loving. And always ready to grow in Him, like those seeds buried in the ground, just waiting to spring forth once they receive that life-giving water.

Here Is the Christ Child

Here Is the Christ Child

by | Dec 25, 2025 | Holidays, Thoughtful Thursdays

Where was the Christ Child?

He wasn’t in the palaces, bustling with servants, feasts in the halls, music in the chambers.
He wasn’t in the temple, where the incense was burning and the well-written prayers soaring upward.
He wasn’t on the road, where watchful eyes were waiting for the victorious Messiah to arrive and deliver them.

He was in the manger, swaddled in His mother’s arms, animals gathered round.
He was there, in tiny, delicate baby arms and legs, waving a greeting.
He was there, sleeping after the miracle of his birth.

But let’s not be mistaken–that night wasn’t silent.

The angels were singing.
The shepherds were running.
The heavens were ringing.

As God
became
FLESH.

As the infinite
stepped
into TIME.

As the Savior
put on
humanity.

Where will you find the Christ Child this Christmas?

It might not be in the hustle and bustle.
It might not be in the feasts and songs.
It might not even be in the services of worship.

But it’s okay.

Take a breath.
Be still.
Listen.

He’s there.

He’s there in the quiet moments.
He’s there in the shimmer of light from a tree.
He’s there in the laughter of children.
He’s there in the pitter-patter of your pet’s steps.
He’s there in the snowfall.
He’s there in the whistling wind.
He’s there.

Right there, beside you.

And He’s whispering, “Come.”

Come. Let’s adore Him.

The king of all ages.
The prince of peace.
Emmanuel.

Come.

 

Merry Christmas!

My Characters on Stage!

My Characters on Stage!

by | Dec 18, 2025 | Book News, Books, Thoughtful Thursdays

Part of me wanted to share all about the ballet of Christmas at Sugar Plum Manor the moment I returned from Colorado at the end of the November…but I decided to share health stuff first. And then I figured I’d save this one for the week before Christmas, because it’s just so festive and fun.

So here we go! The rundown on how awesome and amazing the Colorado Springs trip was!

First…I was excited, y’all. I had an appointment at the hospital in Morgantown the day before we left, to get the staples removed from my head before traveling (ahhhhhhh, relief!), and by the time we left the hospital at noon, I was pretty much skipping my way everywhere I wasn’t dancing. As David said, “That’s when you started vibrating.”

I was excited to see my P&P girls. I was excited to explore a place I’d never been. I was excited that my good friend Karlene, whom I haven’t seen in years, had decided to make the 8-hour drive from Utah to see me and the show. And of course, I was sooooo excited to see my characters come to life!

Thursday, we drove over to my parents’ house around 7 and joined them for the 2.5-hour drive to the airport. We flew out of Dulles in DC, had an uneventful flight to Denver, during which I got the synopsis written for my next novella from Tyndale (you’ll hear more about this in the new year!), which left me feeling great. We had a fairly long layover in Denver before our very-short connection to Colorado Springs (it was cheaper to fly to the Springs than to Denver, otherwise we just would have driven it), which gave us time to enjoy some delicious pizza in a little Italian restaurant in the airport whose staff was fantastic.

Hilariously (or not?) that second flight sat at the gate for an hour while they tried to deal with a weight and balance issue. It was a tiny little plane. And eventually, they had to ask someone to volunteer to take another flight. Or, as we joked, “They actually kicked someone off!” Once we were airborn, it was practically a blink and then we were in the Springs. It was dark and raining by the time we landed, so that 20-minute drive to our rental house was a little not-fun, but then…then we arrived.

So this was our third retreat with the P&P group, in our fourth year. (We had to skip last year’s thanks to cancer.) At the first retreat, there were 5 of us. At the second retreat, there were 12, but not all at the same time–we broke it into half-weeks for those who couldn’t do a full week. I think the most there at once were 9. This time, there were 15 of us (this does count spouses and my parents), by my count at the Saturday night ballet. And from the moment we entered, there was a definite air of celebration.

The house was gorgeous, a historic one with tons of bedrooms, gorgeous old fixtures (clawfoot tub, old kitchen sink…just darling), and so much charm we just couldn’t get over it. (Great job picking it out, Caroline!) I thought, when I walked in, that the owners or management company had already decorated for Christmas, because there was a cute little tree decorated on an end table in the living room, miniature stockings hanging…but no. Candice (the official “in charge of retreat” member of the group) had packed it all in her checked bag! Yep, she brought a Christmas tree with her, with nutcracker ornaments that we all got to bring home, and those stockings? They were for us! Each one had our name on it, and she added stickers and bookmarks and a pocket prayer quilt each night.

Our previous retreats have been “creative retreats,” where we work on our creative projects during the day and then hang out and socialize from dinner onward. We knew that wouldn’t work for this one, so instead it was just three straight days of laughter, sightseeing, exploring, talking, eating, baking, seeing the show, playing games, and just generally having the BEST time. Seriously, I don’t remember the last time I laughed that much.

We went to the US Figure Skating museum on Friday, Zoomed with some of the ladies in the group who couldn’t make the retreat on Friday afternoon, which was SUCH fun too–and we got to meet one of our newest members and put a face and voice to her name, which is always amazing! We set a date for our members-only tea party book club for The Christmas Book Flood too. Friday evening, Cali Hannah made us a fantastic dinner (at this retreat there was Hannah F from California and Hannah A from Texas in the house, plus Hannah Currie from Australia who came to the shows, so we had Cali-Hannah, Texas-Hannah, and Aussie-Hannah there–it was hilarious! Also, those first two Hannahs were my first two P&P members when I started the group!). After dinner, we played Fishbowl, which was HILARIOUS, and then did a white elephant style book exchange.

This gets its own paragraph, because, hello–BOOKS! 😉 We each brought a book to share, wrapped and anonymous. We had sheets printed out to give hints about the book, and since this was a group of friends, Caroline (who organized it) came up with a rating system specific to us. The romance meter was guaged by Bethany, who usually likes only one Disney-style kiss in a book; the violence meter was by Julie, who doesn’t care for such things in her stories. Two little details that just made my day because they spoke to how we’ve become such a family. (My poor mother, who isn’t officially in the group, had no clue what those meant, LOL…) We set a rule of 3-steals-only and a book was locked in, and I am happy to say I got to be a third steal and take my first-choice book, mwa ha ha ha. Though I would have been perfectly content with the one I’d first opened, had someone not stolen it from me. 😉 It was also fun to read the vague descriptions on the books and identify about half of them, which I’d already read and so knew well enough to guess. It was also rewarding that the books I brought–I totally cheated and brought two, The Lost Girl of Astor Street and The Secret Investigator of Astor Street with their new, matching illustrated covers, by my best friend, Stephanie Morrill–were also stolen the maximum number of times.

Also on Friday, the fantabulous Candice surprised me with sugar cookies decorated to match the book! (Purchased, LOL. We made many cookies while there–well, Deanna made many cookies while there, LOL–but these specialty ones were purchased by a local baker. See the photo carousel for pictures! And they were as delicious as they were gorgeous!)

Saturday morning a bunch of us went to Garden of the Gods. My group was the “can’t do to much or we’ll pay for it later” group, so we picked and chose where we explored, and it was breathtaking! We ended up at one point just settling on some rocks with an amazing view of Pike’s Peak and lots of birds to watch and just fell into chatting again. We saw two horse tours go by, so that was fun too. Then back to the house in time for lunch, because the first show was at 2:00, and I intended to be there!

So…socially awkward author here. I’m great at being “on” when it’s for a purpose, and as long as I was standing there signing books, I knew my place, LOL. But once all the books were signed, I had a few minutes of “Okay, I’m just gonna stand here at the table and blend in with the concession workers, I guess…” But I needn’t have worried. The families of the dancers soon picked up on the fact that I was there, and there were folks who came JUST to see/meet me, so that was such fun. I personalized some books, took some photos with readers, and then my husband ushered my vibrating-with-joy self into the auditorium and we found our seats.

The show…THE SHOW. It was simply AMAZING. That first time, I watched with curiosity, constantly asking myself, “Now how are they going to handle this bit?” And then watching their choices and going, “Ah! Perfect!” (I mean, obviously there was no frozen river for Mariah to fall into, and they had to make plenty of choices about what to leave out versus keep. But I 100% approve ALL those choices!)

Mimi McKinnis did the adaptation, and she did it brilliantly. (THANK YOU, MIMI!!!) The performers were so much more than I’d envisioned–not just dancing, which they did so well, but acting. The leads were all so expressive, their faces perfectly portraying the emotional journey for each character. I love how they showed backstory, especially with the story of how young Mariah and young Cyril wrote the story the cast later performs…the story that we know as the Nutcracker. And so when familiar Nutcracker music began to play? I got a completely idiotic grin on my face and just couldn’t shake it.

Also…SO MUCH PURPLE! Obviously, this purple-loving girl was thrilled to see all the purple lights, the purple costuming Mariah wore, and so much more.

During intermission and after the show, I was out at the table again, signing and personalizing books. I met more readers, more families of dancers, and after that first show, some of the dancers themselves.

And here’s the funny thing. For me, it was both humbling and ecstatic to see my characters live and breathe, so to my mind they were the stars. They were the people giving the gift–to the audience and to me. I was a little starstruck to see Mariah and Louise, Fred and Professor Skylark, Cyril and Soren all right there in front of me, living and breathing and smiling, in gorgeous costumes. To my mind, they weren’t just student performers. They were something more. They were dreams come true.

Of course, to them, I was the author who brought this fun story to them to begin with, and they approached me with wide eyes and bouncing excitement, asking me to sign their books, take pictures with them, and give them hugs. And it struck me, then–how there’s never just individual creating. It’s co-creating. We create first with our creative Father, the Creator of the universe. And then we create with those around us. As an author, I create with my editors, my cover designers, my marketing team–and my readers. As dancers, they create with their bodies but also their fellow cast, their director, their choreographers. We created something together, something bigger than what any one of us could create on our own. And it was beautiful. So, so beautiful.

I stayed there between the two shows, since there was only about an hour to kill, and then my people all showed up, so more giddiness ensued. The performance was just as fantastic, and afterward we got a group picture for P&P.

It was also after that second show on Saturday that one of my favorite moments happened. Jackson (who played Cyril), Anna (who played Mariah), and Lacy (who played Professor Skylark) came over to meet me, and Jackson pitched me a sequel. Hannah Currie was there and caught a photo of it (also in the image carousel below!), which I absolutely LOVE. On Sunday, before that final show, we got a group shot with the whole cast and me, and after that, Jonah (who plays Fred) and Jackson told me a bit more about their idea, and it just made my day. My weekend.

I made a thing that got these kids so excited, they wanted more. I wrote a story that captured their imaginations. I gave them a plot for a show they so enjoyed, they wanted to do it again, see what happened next. For this creator’s heart, that’s just…amazing. It shows me, yet again, that it’s bigger than me. It shows me the power of story, and how I’m just one participant in it.

It shows me why it’s worth it. Why it matters. Why it’s important. After one of the shows, another of the dancers, Ellie, found me to reiterate exactly this, which brought tears to my eyes. That my story matters. My writing changes lives. 

Before each big scene, there was a voice-over narration that told a bit about the story we were about to see unfold through dance, and in the second act, most of the lines were taken straight from the book. And guys, tears filled my eyes again as I heard my words over the speaker-system. As that narrator’s voice spoke about choosing to embody joy, choosing to cling to the miraculous, choosing not just to plod through life doing the expected, but to live, to live with cheer and happiness and delight, my heart just overflowed with exactly that. Because this ballet did exactly what the whole point of the story was–it brought people together and gave them a reason to celebrate.

At the end of the show, it’s Christmas music they’re dancing to, and the audience was invited to sing along to “O Come, Let Us Adore Him.” Such a wonderful final call to leave us with–the whole point of the season. The whole point of everything.

There were readers who came to every show just to see me, and to you–thank you. It was so, so wonderful to meet you all, to sign your books, to give you hugs and take photos with you.

To Mimi and the entire cast of the show, you have made my year. My decade! I will never, ever forget the joy of sitting in your audience and seeing our story come to life. Anna, Mariah will always have your face in my mind from now on, and we’re still talking about how you conveyed so much with your eyes. Jackson, you were an even better (and taller!) Cyril than I had imagined, and I loved watching you bring so much humor to the role. Corban, you played an awesome Danish lord with the gravity that suited him…and then the discovery of joy that made him into a hero too. Lacy, your crazy and expressive Skylark was a brilliant adaptation of my slightly-nutty old man, and you lit up the stage each time you stepped onto it. Lauren, I know it was against your happy nature to keep from smiling so long as you played my grieving Louise, but when you finally could let that smile shine, it moved my heart and was such a moment of victory! Jonah, when Fred hoisted that key high and then jumped into the toy line…I still laugh when I imagine it. Jessica, you are SO much nicer than Pearl, who you played so very well, and I love the guys’ idea to give you a redemption story! 😉 Also, all those pearl accents on your costume were just genius. Natalie and Dustin, when you brought the backstory to life, it was sheer delight! Ella, Rachel, Megan, Olivia, Ellie, Evie, Adeline, and Catie…all those Nutcracker callbacks, the mice and Mouse Queen numbers, the flowers and dewdrops and Sugar Plum Fairy and Nutcracker prince…more moments when I was grinning like an idiot.

I realize I’m writing a book here, because words can’t quite express how awesome it was, so naturally I have to pile more and more on to try to convey it. 😉

After the final show on Sunday, my friend Karlene came back to the house with us. A couple of the girls had already left, so she ended up crashing there for the night, thanks to snow in the passes on her drive home. Which was lovely. We ended up having a hair-braiding party in the kitchen (which was hilarious too). We told final stories. We exchanged final hugs. I had one final night of not-sleeping (I could NOT turn my brain off the whole time I was there–I was like a 5-year-old at Christmas for 5 days straight!), and then it was off to the airport ridiculously early, and my euphoria finally, finally began to settle down into contentment.

I knew I’d crash when I got home. Seriously, I was running on pure adrenaline, barely sleeping, from Thursday through Monday, I was darting around, I was talking a mile a minute, I was running up aisles and down stairs, I was making a whole lot of jazz hands in an effort to show my enthusiasm, and “vibrating for days,” as David said. It took me a solid week for this introvert to recover, LOL.

And as my mama wrapped her arms around me Sunday morning in the still-dark kitchen of that so-charming rental house as we waited for the men to come downstairs, she said, “It was so good to see you with your friends. So good to see your joy.

And that’s what it was. A weekend of friendship. A weekend of euphoria. A weekend of giddiness. A weekend of laughter. A weekend of discovery.

It was a weekend of joy. Pure joy. And that is so fitting…because that’s what Christmas at Sugar Plum Manor was all about.

And good news! 😉 You can purchase the recording of the show and see for yourself what a fantastically amazing job Fidele Youth Dance Company did in bringing it to life!

Order the Recording!

Nutcracker display

Nutcrackers hand-painted by the dancers and sold as a fundraiser!

Roseanna and Hannah

Poster

Part of the beautiful display outside the auditorium

Tree and nutcracker

Part of the lobby display

Recipes

Roseanna looking at the recipe booklet they’d created

Meeting Readers

Roseanna hanging out with readers

Roseanna and Mimi

Roseanna and Mimi chatting about the adaptation

Roseanna and Mimi 2

Roseanna telling Mimi what she really thought of the adaptation! 😉

Dancers

Roseanna meeting some of the main dancers for the first time

Roseanna and Anna

Roseanna and Anna (who played Mariah)

Roseanna and Lacy

Roseanna and Lacy (who played Professor Skylark–isn’t her costume amazing?)

Rockies

A view of the Rockies from the airplane

A successful pitch

Jackson pitches a sequel to Roseanna–it was a great idea!

Cookies

The gorgeous sugar cookies Candice bought to celebrate!

Braiding party

I was really braiding Bethany’s hair as she braided Hannah’s…Lee Anne was TRYING to braid mine, LOL.

Braiding Train

Candice and Danielle already had braids so jumped into the train for the photo

At the airport

Six of the girls were waiting at the airport together! Left to right, back to front, we have Deanna, Lee Anne, Bonnie, Julie, Hannah A, and Candice

Garden of the Gods

Such beautiful rock formations at the Garden of the Gods!

Rock formations

More beautiful rock formations at the Garden of the Gods

Meet and Greet!

Roseanna meeting a friend who knows cousin Andrea and Dan!

Mimi McKinnis

Mimi, brilliant adapter and head of Fidele!

Mariah and the Snowflakes

The Snow dance was always the end of Act 1 in the Nutcracker, so I loved that Fidele’s take on it closed out Act 1 here, to “Take It to Jesus”!

Sugar Plum Fairy

Meagan Horst as the Sugar Plum Fairy

Flowers

I always loved the Waltz of the Flowers, and it made it into the show!

Mouse Queen

The jazzy Mouse Queen number was one of my favorites!

The leads and Roseanna

Roseanna sharing her reaction to Mariah and Cyril coming to life (Jackson is SO TALL!)

Creator and Cast

Roseanna and David with some of the leads…more from the front

Some cast and creator

Roseanna and David with some of the leads

US Figure Skating

Moving statue in the lobby of the US Figure Skating Museum

At the Garden of the Gods

Two carloads of explorers (Danielle, Roseanna, Deanna, Elizabeth, Bethany, Bonnie, Julie–David took the photo)

At the Garden of the Gods

Roseanna, Deanna, Bethany, and Danielle taking in the beauty

Table at the show

So much awesome merch for sale!

On His Will and Our Ill

On His Will and Our Ill

by | Dec 11, 2025 | Cancer Journey, Thoughtful Thursdays

“It’s never God’s will that you’re sick. Jesus healed everyone. Just claim that healing.”

Several times both through my original cancer journey and this latest drama, I’ve heard this. And well before my own health troubles, I’ve heard it too. Have you? Or perhaps this is what you believe?

I think it’s something we need to talk about. Because I know how I react to it emotionally, and I also know how dear friends and family have reacted to it. Personally, I always find myself thinking, “I understand your belief, and I know you’re saying this out of love and faith. I, too, believe Christ is our Healer, that He can heal anyone. But saying that He will choose to heal me if I just have faith enough is not helpful.” I’ve never said this to an individual before, because the last thing I want to do is lash out when someone’s trying to speak hope to me. But it has lingered in my mind this time.

So let’s ask the question. Does God ever will our ills?

Many people say, “Of course not! God wills only good for us!” And that is absolutely the truth…but I don’t think it’s the full picture. I don’t believe that God wants disease or illness for us, I don’t believe He sends them to us…but I do believe they are an inescapable consequence of our fallen world and that, because God in His omniscience knew this world would fall, He’s made a way not just to deliver miraculous healing in some cases, but to use our ills for His glory in ALL cases…if we let Him. 

First of all, we have examples like Job, where God did indeed will and explicitly allow Satan to bring hardship including disease onto His faithful servant. Now, God did not send the disease. But God did allow the disease. And though, yes, Job was eventually delivered from it and went on to new health and wealth and joy, we can also be certain that he still died eventually. And that would be after he spoke to God directly.

In the New Testament, we know that Paul had some undisclosed issue (most scholars I’ve read assume it was a physical ailment, though of course we can’t know for sure) that he prayed three times to be delivered from. And what did God say?

My strength is made perfect in your weakness.

We also see in the Epistles that new Christians were very confused as to why some of them were dying. Didn’t Christ’s wounds heal them? Weren’t they supposed to live forever? But they weren’t. They died like everyone else. What did that mean? Was their faith false?

Of course not, and Paul explains it all to them, making it clear that eternal life is for now given to the soul, and that the resurrection of our bodies, our flesh, will come later.

And we also need to look at the two thousand years of Church history. We know that every Christian to come before us has died. And we know that they didn’t all die from violence or martyrdom. That many–most–died of some disease or another.

So taking all of this into account, I would have to say that, questions of will aside, we all do get sick, and the majority of us die of some sickness or another. Is this God’s will? Or is it all Satan?

Questions like this feel not only tricky but dangerous. Because obviously God’s perfect will was for man not to sin, and hence not to die–EVER. Which would include no sickness. But mankind did sin and DOES sin, and so we introduced death into the world. And given that God created this world, created man, created free will, knowing all along what would happen, I think we need to accept that there is nuance to the will of God. That while He would love for us all to be perfect as Christ is perfect, imperfection is part of His working will. That includes our sin, our brokenness, and also our diseases.

Which brings us back to today. Do I believe God afflicts us with disease? No. Do I believe that God can and does still give miraculous healings? Absolutely. But I also believe that those people who receive them will go on to die, likely of some different disease, at a later time. We will all die. For many of us, we’ll be sick first. This is reality, and given that there are no 2,000-year-old people still walking around, our faith must take that into account.

For many, many Christians, living with ongoing suffering, with chronic illness, is reality too. And this is not a lack of faith. But I’ve spoken with so many suffering friends who have been told that if they just believed more, they’d be healed. And I grieve with those friends over the guilt this puts on them–a shame they do not deserve.

Because you know what? God uses our pain for His glory. When we are weak–sick, injured, dying, suffering, exhausted–He’s still at work. He is strong, and His strength can shine through us. When we are weak, we are quite often better at sharing the heart of Christ than when we are well. When we are weak, our hearts are more vulnerable to the pain of those around us.

Christ chose to suffer, after all. He could have called down the angels. He could have miraculously healed His own wounds. He could have walked through the midst of the people who came for Him, as He had done before. But He didn’t. He chose instead to be subjected to the most painful suffering humanity had been able to devise. It wasn’t disease, obviously, but it was intense agony. He suffered it for us.

I cringe every time someone says I (or someone else) just needs to claim healing because Christ healed all the sick, and if we have faith, we can claim it too…because this argument effectively says the opposite too: that if you’re sick, if you die of disease, you must not have faith enough for healing. This is dangerous, friends. This is judging people for being what humans have been since the Garden: MORTAL. This is unrealistic and hurtful to those who are already suffering. I have met quite a few people who left a church and nearly left the church because they have a chronic illness and were told they could just be healed if they believed.

Friends, there is healing beyond the physical, and that is what Christ wants for us most of all. You remember the story of the paralyzed young man who was lowered through the roof by his friends, right? Do you remember Jesus’s immediate reaction? He says, “Your sins are forgiven.” The faith of this man and his friends did not immediately garner a physical healing–Christ knew his REAL need, and that was salvation of his soul. That was what He offered first, from His heart. It was the snarky thoughts of the onlookers that spurred Him to give a visible sign, a visible healing.

I know that young man rejoiced to leap from his mat. But what do you think really gave him the most joy–use of his legs for another decade or two, or an eternity in Heaven with his Lord? 

Every week in Mass, there’s a part where the priest holds up the host and says, “Behold, the Lamb of God. Behold, He who takes away the sins of the world. Blessed are those called to the Supper of the Lamb.”

And the congregation answers with another Scripture, but with a single world that reflects on our own situation, every day, rather than the centurion’s. We say, “Lord, I am not worthy that You should enter under my roof. But only say the word, and my soul shall be healed.” The Scripture, of course, says servant. But we say this as a recognition that we do not come to Jesus every day, every week, to ask that a servant and friend be delivered of a fever. We come to Him every day, every week, to be delivered from the sins that plague us. It’s our souls that He heals every time we ask–fully, completely, eternally. It’s our souls that most urgently need to be cleansed from disease. 

The test of our faith is not whether or not we get sick, suffer, or die. The test of our faith is how we get sick, suffer, and die. By which I mean, how do we handle it? Do we make the best or the worst of it? Do we affix our eyes to Christ on the cross as we’re suffering, asking Him to take our pain and join it to His world-changing sacrifice, or do we complain about everything and cling to despair instead of hope?

Because yes, the world is watching. And while a miraculous healing might win hearts…so does God-lent strength amidst our trials. God can be glorified through our healing, but He can also be glorified through our suffering.

In this world, we will get sick. And whether or not our Lord chooses to heal us, our part is to cling to Him through it. Our testimony is not whether or not we are healed this side of Heaven–our testimony is whether or not we’re pointing to Heaven through it.

A friend recently reminded me of a passage from the little freebie I make available to newsletter subscribers, The Heart of His Brother. This is just a chapter that’s part of the Secrets of the Isles series, about the older brother of the Tremayne siblings who we never meet in the books because he’s already passed away, but whose memory and legacy is a very real part of Oliver and Beth’s story and even has a profound effect on Bram, hero of book three, who is a visitor to the Isles. Morgan was always plagued by disease and always knew he would die young. But he chose to live life in a way that made every moment count. My friend quoted this passage to me, and I think Morgan’s reflections here sum up my own beliefs rather well (and this was written years ago, well before any of my own health struggles):

“This infirmity, whatever it is,” he’d said to Beth, “is not from God. But He will use it. He will redeem it. He made me to be as strong as Oliver, and though my body betrayed that, He will perfect me in some other way, if I let him. For everything I cannot do, there’s something I can, that I’ve only discovered because of my limitations. And if I fail to do that, if I wallow in the ‘not’ instead—well, that’s my own fault, isn’t it? The Lord made me to praise Him. If I can’t do it with a leap, then I’ll do it with a shout.”

We should never stop praying for and believing in miracles. I absolutely, one hundred percent, believe that God can and still does deliver those miraculous healings. How can I not?

He’s already given me the most miraculous healing of all. He’s already forgiven my sins, taking my dying soul and restoring it to perfect life in Him. My body? He can heal that too. But if He doesn’t, then I will trust. I will trust that He can work more glory through pain and disease than He could through miraculous physical healing. I will trust that there’s still something I need to learn about Him that I can only learn here. I will trust that a healing received in Heaven is no less real, no less miraculous, no less beautiful than one given on earth. And I’ll know that I will see that there because He’s already granted that MORE important healing.

Pray for healing, friends. Always. But also remember that healing is never perfected this side of heaven. Lazarus went on to die a second time–bodily. But that is no cause for despair. Remember the words that Jesus told Martha outside that tomb:

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live,  and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25, ESV. Emphasis my own.)

Do we believe this? Do we believe that, though these earthly bodies fail for now, in the way that matters most, WE SHALL LIVE? That day, Jesus raised Lazarus bodily from the grave. In another day, He’ll raise us bodily from the grave. It doesn’t matter if we were already sick and died. It doesn’t matter if we stink or have decomposed entirely, if our bones have been burned to ashes even.

When the Word that created the very universe says, “Come forth!” that’s exactly what we’ll do.

Because the only death that matters is death of the soul–and if we believe in Him, that’s the death we will never taste. The only healing that ultimately matters is healing of the soul–and if we believe in Him, that’s the healing that we can know. Every day. Every hour. Every minute.

So to my friends with chronic illness; to my friends with terminal disease; to my friends who suffer every day in a body that has betrayed that perfect vision, know this. You are already healed. And healing of the soul…that takes far more faith than healing of the body. That is the work that only God Himself can do. Physicians can stitch these limbs back together, perform surgery, do such amazing things to prolong physical life.

But the Great Physician is the only one who can give that most miraculous healing of all–the healing that makes us ready for eternity.

I don’t know if my cancer will ever spread, if it’ll come back again someday, if I’ll die of disease eventually or something else entirely, if it’ll happen in a year or a decade or a century. But I do know this.

I am already healed. 

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