Many times through the years, I’ve joked about being a “delicate flower.” Generally, this is what I say when there’s heavy lifting to be done that I don’t want to do, LOL, or when my husband is teasing me and I’m trying to convince him (sort of) to stop.

I say it because it’s funny…but it’s only funny because we all know it’s not true.

Now, I’m not a large person by any stretch of the imagination. I’m a whopping 5’3″ over here, and not exactly a weight-lifter. So I do have definite physical limitations. There are feats I simply cannot perform. But I’m not delicate. Maybe I look that way, but ask my family when it’s moving day–I will probably heft more boxes over the course of the day than just about anyone. Where I come from, you might be small, but you work your rear off when there’s work to be done.

I’ve also long joked about my sensibilities. To a certain extent, I embraced naivete. There are quite simply things I had no desire to expose myself to, and I still don’t. But I’m also part of a world that doesn’t agree with my sensibilities. I’ve answered phones at an insurance office and occasionally had disgruntled clients using some very, er, colorful language. I could have chosen to be offended–and was, honestly, quite shocked that someone would call a place of business and talk like that. But I decided that I wasn’t going to be a delicate flower there either.

Because if I choose to be offended at everything offensive in the world, if I choose to let it affect me rather than just lifting my chin and showing a better way, then I’m never going to get away from that, right? I’m always going to be offended. The Bible tells us time and again that offenses will come. The advice of Paul and Jesus? Just don’t be the one by whom they come. #BeBetter than that. In the Gospels, this instruction is about not leading others into sin. But I think it also applies to our own minds–don’t let other lead us into the trap of always focusing on what they’re doing. We need to focus instead on what WE need to do.

I’ve mentioned before the book The Coddling of the American Mind, which I’ve been listening to on audio. In this book, the authors point out that many college-aged students right now have the mistaken belief that they’re fragile. That they need someone to step in and stop things whenever ideas are too challenging and cause them emotional distress, whenever they feel any slight or bias against them, whenever something might be construed as dangerous–not just to their physical bodies, but to their peace of mind.

This is a sad trend, but one I can quite easily believe. I don’t know how many times in recent years I’ve heard someone saying they can’t imagine letting their kids do the things that they did when they were the same age. Walk three blocks alone to the local ice cream shop? Heavens, no! Go adventuring through the countryside without an adult? Are you kidding? And yet, the world is SO MUCH SAFER now than it was twenty, thirty, forty, even fifty years ago. Crime rates are at an all time low…but perception is something else entirely. We have it in our heads that we must protect our kids from…well, from everything. But studies have shown that when we do that, what we’re really teaching our kids is that they can’t handle it. That the world’s out to get them. That they’re fragile–they’re delicate flowers, and the world’s just waiting to crush them.

This is so untrue, my friends. It’s untrue first because people are just stronger than that. And especially if we have the Spirit of God inside us, lending us His strength on top of our own. What did Jesus tell us to do when someone hurts us? To pray for them. When they attack us? Turn the other cheek. When they won’t accept our beliefs? Shake the dust from our feet. Jesus told us NOT to be offended over every little thing, NOT to be delicate flowers. He told us to persevere. He told us to stand strong in Him. He told us to face dangers and persecution for the sake of Truth. That sounds pretty darn not-delicate to me, right? No fragility there. Faith makes us stronger, not weaker. Because we’re grounded on the Rock.

I want to keep my kids safe…but I also want them to be fully functioning adults, capable of standing strong in the face of the world. I want them to appreciate the beauty of flowers without thinking they’re as fragile as those blooms. Frankly, I want them to see how stubborn some flowers are as they cling to the cliff side, flourishing in the most adverse of conditions. And that means letting them take risks. It means teaching them that beliefs must be challenged if they’re really going to understand why they believe them. It means knowing that they don’t have to choose to be offended just because something is offensive. They can choose to be bigger than that instead. They can choose to lift their chins and keep pressing on.

There are abuses in this world–genuine, horrific ones. There are tragedies. There are crimes. But when we magnify every little thing to that level, all we’re doing is teaching ourselves that we’re more delicate than we are. And taking away from what we really should be focusing on changing.

We’re stronger than we think we are. Our kids and grandkids are stronger than we often let them be. We are not flowers.

Or…no, maybe we are. But not the kind that flourishes in the meadow, here today and gone tomorrow. If we’re flowers, then we’re a heartier kind. Not delicate. Not fragile. We’re the kind clinging to the Solid Rock, beautiful in the face of the tempest.

I believe in Good. I believe in Evil. I believe in absolute truth. I believe that sometimes we land firmly on one side or another of this virtually-eternal war…but only sometimes. I believe that more often than not, we are still in the position of Adam and Eve, standing with that forbidden fruit in our hands. We are still created in the image of God. We are still filled largely with His Goodness. But we’ve let evil in.

The question is…are we letting it reign?

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I recently started listening to the audio version of a really enlightening book, The Coddling of the American Mind by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt. In it, the authors are examining the recent trend of “safe places” and “fragility” of college students and using scientific research to show why it’s harmful and offer solutions to it.

The authors begin by laying out three untruths they want to expose and refute. I do highly recommend this book, especially to anyone with a child or grandchild of the “internet” generation–it’s led our family to institute some changes! But I’m not going to just talk about the book. I’m rather going to take one of the untruths they name and examine it spiritually rather than academically. The untruth in question:

Let me say again: I believe in Good and Evil. The kind with capitals. But still, with my logic engaged, I could hear that statement and immediately know that it was wrong.

Why?

Because of the use of the word people, first of all. And then because if you were to accept that statement as true, you’d have to rely on feelings to determine right and wrong, and we all know how fickle and often wrong our feelings can be.

But let’s look at that statement. Good people versus evil people. We know, intellectually, that this is wrong, don’t we? We have to grant that it is when we consider some of Christianity’s greatest heroes and, indeed, founding fathers. Paul. He was first a Christian-hunter. One eager to kill the “good people”, which by definition makes him the enemy.

If we call our enemy evil, that means he’s beyond redemption. Fully in the grasp of the ultimate Evil One. That he has bound his will to Satan’s.

Was this the case for Paul? Obviously not. God saw what human eyes certainly did not. God saw that Paul in fact wanted to seek the Good, but was laboring under a false opinion about what Good really was. He was earnestly seeking God and God’s will…but his feelings on what God’s will was happened to be wrong. God righted him. And we ended up with The Apostle.

This doesn’t happen with every enemy of God. But it happens with a shocking number of them. The why and how are certainly important, especially because it’s often through these “enemies” seeing the love of God at work in His people. But what I really want to focus on today isn’t whether they ever change.

It’s how we view them, even when we remain on opposite sides.

We can’t force change on them. But we can control our own feelings and actions in relation to them.

I cannot begin to count how many times in recent years I’ve heard people of opposing views label the others as evil or worst person ever or monster just because they don’t agree with them. It’s a natural stance to take, honestly. If you’re not us, then you’re them. And if you’re them, then you are on the Wrong Side. And more often than not, you’re there because of emotion, so logic will never convince you to join the Right Side. Therefore, you are beyond help unless God himself steps in (bring it on, God! Strike them blind and set them straight!).

Am I right?

But this is so, so hurtful. Not just to Them. But to Us. Whichever “us” that might be. Maybe it means Christians. Maybe it means Americans. Maybe it means Republicans or Democrats, Liberal or Conservative. Maybe it means a particular race. Or a particular gender. Or a proponent of a particular view or belief.

Whatever the label we embrace, when we embrace it, we exclude from our love anyone who doesn’t belong to the same camp. Seriously, this is another scientifically-proven fact. Humanity is tribal–our brains are wired to feel more empathy, sympathy, and care for those like us. But it doesn’t matter how they’re like us. We can make the distinction over something important, like faith, or something trivial, like the color T-shirt we’re wearing. But once the groups have been made and we’ve been told we’re part of it, MRIs show spikes that demonstrate sympathetic emotions for that group far more than any other. We want to belong. And when we do, we guard that belonging with ferocity.

This helps us survive, helps civilization grow, helps a tribe, then a town, then a city, then a nation to form. But once you get into a large group–like this huge country of ours, filled with such diversity–it becomes too big for us. We start breaking down into smaller factions. Anyone remember that unity for the first week or two after 9/11? It was shocking. We were, for the first time in decades, American before anything else. But it didn’t take long for people to start arguing again about what that meant. To start labeling and pointing fingers and thinking once again that the monsters weren’t the terrorists but them, the ones on the other side of the aisle.

This is natural. But God doesn’t call us to live in the natural, does He? He calls us to #BeBetter than what we are in the flesh. To strive to live in the Spirit, who lives in us. Does God choose who to love based on their decisions? Their color? Their gender? Their political views?

God isn’t bound by these tribal tendencies. God knows who the ultimate Us V. Them belongs to, and it’s not in humanity. We don’t have the eyes to see that spiritual war between Good and Evil most of the time, but we can have the eyes to see this basic truth:

That person who disagrees with you? God loves them. They are not beyond redemption. They are Just–Like–Us. Sinners until they accept the extension of Jesus’ grace. And how do we, limited in our view as we are, know if or when that will happen? We don’t. All we know is that God loves them. And so, as His children, we are called to do the same.

I do not and cannot agree with an awful lot of things prevalent in this world. I’m not supposed to. I’m called to stand against them. I’m called to hate evil. I’m called to name it for what it is. But “evil” is not a person. And when I hear views that I label as such coming from a human mouth, my role is not to denounce the person. My role is to find a way to be like Paul–to be “everything to everyone.” To find common ground with that person, so that I can love them. So that they can connect with and love me. And once we’re part of the same tribe–even if just for a moment–to show them who God is.

God is bigger than a tribe or a town or a city or a nation. God is bigger than liberal or conservative. And He calls us to be bigger too. To #BeBetter. To be better today than we were yesterday. To be better than our human natures want to be. To be better than we think we can, because it hurts.

But we have Christ in us. And that means we can do all things. We can be in pain, or we can be in bliss. We can be the victors or the defeated. We can be in prison or we can be in the White House. We can be rich or poor, hungry or full. We can #BeBetter. When we can’t achieve it through our own power, we can achieve it through His.

And so, my friends, can They. Our fight, remember, is not against the people of this world. It’s against the powers of darkness. But we can’t fight the ultimate Them if we’re so busy squabbling with our own.

My challenge–to you and to myself–is to stop seeing those of opposing views as Them. And when we find ourselves actually face-to-face with someone who falls in that camp, to focus on finding that commonality rather than our differences. Find what makes them Us. And then love them.

Let’s see what that might change.

When we’re talking about Us Vs. Them, there’s no story I’ve examined it more fully in than A Soft Breath of Wind. Zipporah can see into the spiritual realm–she actually knows who is out to “get them.” But still, she has to face God will–not to hate or condemn or let her own emotions rule her, but to find a way to love her greatest enemy.

And so, for the first time, signed copies of A Soft Breath of Wind are on sale from my online store! And the ebook is always $3.99.

As I’m sure is no secret to you, we live in what’s being called an “Outrage Society.” People seem to love to get their dander up. To point fingers. To be offended. To declare each other unreasonable, stupid, and declare for all of social media to see that if you think that then we can’t be friends.

We live in a world where people have become addicted to that flash of anger. The increase in adrenaline that comes with being outraged. We live in a world where, though we say that all opinions matter and are equally valid, what we really mean is that our opinions matter and are more “equally” valid than any other, and those who think otherwise are monsters.

We live in a world where people are so quick to pick a fight. So quick to take a side. So quick to vilify the other.

I’ve long been sorrowful over that…but it wasn’t until recently that I began to think it isn’t just sad. It’s scary.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s heard rumors about what might happen after this next election. Both the left and the right have their…honestly, I don’t know what to call them other than conspiracy theories. Or in this case, conspiracy fantasies. They both want the other side to be given a big “up yours.” And both couch it in pseudo-legal ideas.

What no one seems to be pausing to consider is that when we twist the legal system to achieve our political–or moral or idealistic–goals, what we’re doing is putting ourselves in danger. Our own ideals. Our own morals. Our own politics.

When we refuse to extend fairness and respect to the other side, we’re saying we don’t value fairness and respect. 

And when we stop valuing fairness and respect, we stop getting fairness and respect.

This, my friends, is not how we can #BeBetter. This is how we become worse.

Should we argue and fight for what we believe in? Absolutely. BUT, only if we’re also arguing and fighting for our opposition’s right to believe differently. Should we have opinions on our legal and justice and political systems? Of course! So long as we also recognize that forcing our opinions on others can result only in the destruction of the system we think we’re fighting for.

What’s worth fighting for? The right to fight. The right for all sides to fight, argue, believe what they want. That’s the only way we stay a free people. That’s the only way we know we will get to keep on following our own consciences legally.

I’m sure many of you have heard or read the following, from a pastor in Germany in the days of Hitler, Martin Niemöller:

I’ve always found that striking. But these days, as I hear people on both the right and left calling for things that are not only illegal in the American justice system but would in fact set a precedent for tearing apart that whole system, I can’t help but think this is even more dangerous. Because we have people not just not speaking out. We have people–good people, godly people–cheering. Hoping they “come for” the opposition.

Have you done that? Have I? Have we gotten so caught up in our frustration over what we deem wrong that we cheer at the thought of others’ destruction? Maybe…probably. It fulfills that need inside to be proven right. Those conspiracy fantasies (I like that phrase, I’m gonna keep it, LOL) make us feel like we’re winning, like good is triumphing over evil.

But here’s the thing. Our King chose to be crucified. Our Lord chose humility. Our Savior tells us to love and not hate. To champion grace, not just justice. To seek to show Him to our enemies, not to show them. Our God calls us to #BeBetter.

So I really have to ask. What’s worth fighting for?

Not just my side. Not just your side. We, my friends, need to be fighting for the freedom to choose a side at all. We need to be fighting not for a win, but for Him. And He had quite a lot to say about enemies. That it isn’t even about what we do. It’s about what’s in our hearts.

So I guess that’s my answer. What’s worth fighting for? The hearts of mankind. And that isn’t a battle waged in political arenas or courtrooms. It’s one waged on our knees.

Let’s stop being outraged. And let’s start being outspoken about His love.

The last few weeks, my dad (who happens to be my pastor) has been preaching through the Ten Commandments. He recently covered number five–the first commandment to contain a promise. Now, he had plenty of material to get through with the focus he chose, and he said up front he wasn’t even going to touch on how to honor parents who don’t meet a basic definition of good. Namely:

The ones who abandon their kids.

The ones who abuse and misuse.

The ones who neglect.

The ones who hurt.

I totally get why he focused where he did–but I also wanted to say, “No, say more! Talk about that too!” LOL. Because let’s face it.

Far too many people today don’t have good parents. They don’t have parents who make it easy to honor them. So how are they to obey that commandment?

First, a disclaimer: my parents are awesome. They have always been there with love and encouragement. They taught me to honor God and value family. So in no way do I have firsthand experience with this topic. But I do have secondhand experience. I have friends and family who have to ask this question. It’s also a question I’ve had to deal with when I wrote Giver of Wonders, in which my heroine’s father all but forces his daughters into prostitution (not exactly uncommon in the ancient world, sadly). It made me view things in a new way, to be sure.

So. The fifth commandment.

As Paul points out in Ephesians 6, this is the first commandment that promises something in return for obedience: that your days may be long upon the land. Have you ever paused to consider why honoring your parents carries the promise of a long life?

I think there are several sides to it. First of all, in the ancient world, parents had the right of life and death over their children. Even into New Testament days in the Roman Empire, a father could at any point in time kill his children with no consequences, because they were considered his property. So there’s a simple logic to this–honor your parents, because they could kill you if you don’t, LOL. Dishonoring them, even in the Law of Moses, could result in stoning. But at a certain point–the point where your life starts to stretch out too long upon the land–it’s not your parents you’re still probably worried about. It’s your kids. And where will your kids have learned how to treat you? By watching how you treat your parents. They hear every sigh, every grumble, see every eye roll, and they pay attention. If we treat our parents with disrespect, that’s the lesson our kids are going to internalize in how they should treat us.

But that’s assuming they see us getting to treat our parents in any way–it’s assuming they’re there. What about when the parents are absent? Or cruel? Abusive? Selfish?

I think it’s worth noting the word Moses uses here. Honor. As my dad pointed out in his sermon, the Hebrew word used here implies a weight. Responsibility. Burden. It’s heavy business. Note that it does not say “obey.” That’s the word we often use, especially in “quick and easy” translations for our kids. “Obey your parents!” Pointed look. But that’s a whole different word. Obedience might be part of honoring–sometimes, especially when the kids are younger. But as they age? Whole different thing there. As we grow into adults and have kids of our own, it’s not a matter of obeying our parents’ every command anymore. It’s a matter of treating them with respect, of accepting the burden of care for them as they grow weaker.

How to do that with a parent with whom you have little to no relationship? As I struggled with this question in Cyprus’s story, the only good answer I could find was that she needed to fight for her father’s soul, even when he’d given up. She disobeys his direct word in order to minister to him and care for him. She prayed for him. She loved him in a way he’d never loved her–selflessly, with an agape love.

The question came up for me again in my most recent release An Hour Unspent. Barclay, a now-reformed thief, has spent his life creating a family of fellow orphans, and he’s taught them all the lessons his mother taught him: we never steal from family, we never give stolen items as gifts, we always look out for each other. But when he eventually comes face to face with his mother again in the story, he’s in for a surprise. Because the things she taught him, that he believes and espoused, had only been conveniences for her–ways to keep him in line and doing what she wanted him to do. The woman he sees now is a user, one who only sees what she can gain from any situation. How is he supposed to honor her, when she’s not only undeserving but will harm the family he’s adopted?

This is going to look different in every situation. Sometimes, I think it’s very important to maintain distance, for the sake of the families of which we’re the head. We have to protect our kids from people who will hurt them. But we also want them to see us trying. Maybe that means praying for that absent or abusive parent every day. Maybe it means offering financial support in a safe way–not to enable them to drink or smoke or shoot it away, but to keep a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. Maybe it means encouraging them to get help.

Regardless, it’s going to mean forgiving them for the wrongs they’ve done us and the hurt they’ve caused. That may be the hardest thing. The heaviest thing. But that’s what honor is about–and it wasn’t a command given only in regards to deserving parents. It was a command given in regards to all parents. 

It’s easy to love those who love us, right? Our true test comes in how we treat our enemies–and sometimes, sadly, that’s our own families. Until we do that–until we can do that–we’ll be teaching our kids that bitterness is okay. That when someone deserves our disrespect, that’s what we ought to give them. 

But that’s how the world acts. We want to #BeBetter. We want to show them a better way–a way that exemplifies Christ. A way that loves the unlovable and forgives the unforgivable. Because that is the only way we grow. That’s the only way we change the world–by showing the next generation how to treat those who hurt us. 

When we honor, we prove ourselves worthy of honor. And that’s how we live long upon the land.

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Amazon | Signed from my store | Barnes & Noble | CBD