by Roseanna White | Jan 20, 2011 | Thoughtful Thursdays, Uncategorized
Does anyone like to wait? I don’t think I’ve ever met such a crazy person. I’m not talking about being patient in a long line or restraining yourself from honking your horn in traffic. I’m talking being really, truly joyful as you put down the phone or close out the email that said, “Not yet. I know you’ve been anxious, but not yet.”
It’s hard. When you’ve been looking forward to something, when your hopes rest in a possibility . . . it’s hard when that possibility remains just out of reach.
Hard–but that doesn’t mean it’s cause for discouragment.
I don’t find it a coincidence that so many of the devotionals and inspirational quotes I’ve read in the past year deal with waiting, with resting, with that lull between times of action. And all the messages are the same: we might get impatient, but this is the time when God’s preparing us for what’s to come. This is the time when He’s building our roots before visible growth, when the waters are gathering beneath the surface before the wave breaks. This is a blessing. This is rest–if only we can sit back and let Him rejuvenate us instead of stressing out about it.
This came up again for me yesterday because, within an hour, we got two big “Not yet” answers. The first was concerning a publishing proposal. It wasn’t a No, it wasn’t even a “maybe at some far distant time.” It was instead a request that I finish up, send it to her when it’s finished, but don’t kill myself over pace in the meantime, and a promise of an answer in March. In some ways, this is the best possible news, because I need to take a few days from writing to get editing done here real soon, and I hadn’t felt I had the freedom to do that. So it’s good . . . even if it leaves me with a bit of ennui over yet another Not yet.
The second was concerning our church. We’ve been renting a building we share with other groups since our inception, and it’s not really working anymore. But our hunts for a place of our own kept turning up empty. We recently found a building we feel can work, everything was chugging along . . . then we get the email saying, “I think it’ll still go through, but not yet. We have to check on XYZ first.”
It would be easy to toss our hands into the air and say, “Fine! Okay, God! You’re not smoothing every bump, so fine, we’ll just give up!”
But that’s not right. When God calls us to leave something behind, he fills us with peace about it. He breathes excitement into us about the new path he wants us on. Never, never does He work through discouragement. Never, never does He work through destruction. He is a builder. He edifies, He encourages. If we get discouraged by minor setbacks that isn’t Him telling us to quit. That’s someone else entirely.
No, God isn’t into tearing us down when we seek him. But sometimes, because He sees a lot farther into the future than we can (like, all the way), He makes us wait just a bit longer than we wanted. Maybe just a week. Maybe a couple months. Maybe years or decades. Why? Maybe because it’ll grow our faith. Maybe because there other things at work that need to be dealt with, on both physical and spiritual planes. Maybe because He wants us to enjoy just a little more rest before the change begins.
I don’t have answers about this stuff, not definitive ones. But I know that when disappointment sets in, He isn’t the one that whispers, “Give up.” He’s the one that whispers, “Hold on.” Yeah, that can mean “wait.” But it also means, “Take My hand.”
I’m holding on, Lord. I’m not letting go, no matter how long it takes. When my strength fails, when my patience runs thin, when hope feels faint, You’ll sustain me. That‘s the way You work.
by Roseanna White | Jan 13, 2011 | Thoughtful Thursdays, Uncategorized
Most of my readers know me well enough to realize I have two small kids. Xoe’s 5, Rowyn’s 3 next month. One of my greatest frustrations is that it seems that three minutes can’t pass without someone screaming, “Mommy!” Followed by some demand, request, complaint, or whine. It gets a little old sometimes. And then there’s the physical side. Rowyn’s still in that stage where, when he wants me, it isn’t enough to just be where I am. He must be up on my lap, and he does it with energy. He runs across the room, throws himself onto me, and, once situated, just tosses his little self in whichever direction he wants to go to get comfortable.
Now, as one tired mama, this can make me groan. I love that he’s a cuddle-bug, but good golly. Sometimes holding onto this kid feels something like wrestling an alligator. In spite of busted lips, head bumps, hurt arms and bruised knees, he (in true little boy style) never learns to slow down and be easy. No, it’s always full steam, all out. Even when it comes to hugging.
As he did one of his signature lunge-to-the-left moves while supposedly on my lap to get rocked before bedtime, my “oh, my aching back” thought was quickly eclipsed by the realization that this was trust. He trusts that Mommy isn’t going to drop him or let him fall. He trusts that for his every move, I’ll make a countermove. And he trusts that no matter how much I might grumble or chastise, Mommy loves him and will still hug him, rock him, and cuddle him. Even after I say rocking time is over.
It’s humbling. It’s especially humbling because, while I want to make the obvious analogy to God, I realize it’s not perfect. Why? Because God’s arms are so much better than mine. God doesn’t grumble about his aching back. God doesn’t lose patience with our constant whining. God doesn’t ever think, “Can’t you just do it yourself?” No, He in fact wants us to turn to Him with everything. He wants us to ask him in every moment what He thinks we should do. He wants us to toss ourselves into His arms without a care, with all our energy.
My kids have it right. But me–man, I’ve still got a ways to go. Not just in learning to fly to the Lord with such abandon, but in remembering that that’s the way it should be with my kids, that’s the relationship God set up that we are an imitation of. Sure, I want my kids to grow into independent individuals capable of making decisions and, you know, functioning away from the apron strings.
But how do I get them there? By catching them every time they fly at me, answering when they call . . . so that when they’re ready, I can teach them that God is the same way, only better at it.
We tend to complicate things, don’t we? We have this idea these days that our goal with kids ought to be to get them out and on their own ASAP. But is that how we were designed? And because we tend to get impatient with them (I’m speaking for myself here) we then wrongly take that analogy to the us-God relationship and get into the mindset of, “I don’t want to whine to God.”
That’s just not the way it works. Which in turn teaches me that maybe I’m looking at some other things the wrong way too. But one thing I know–no matter how much I mess up, how many times my stubbornness and pride lead me to bruises and scrapes and head bumps, no matter how many times He has to chastise me, I know my Father’s there, His arms open wide. And I know that no matter which way I turn as I jump into them, He’s going to catch me. He’s going to love me. He’s going to hold me, no matter how long I need it.
by Roseanna White | Jan 6, 2011 | Thoughtful Thursdays
Last Thursday I mentioned that I was asking the Lord for a word for 2011, both for me and our small church. A word that is either something to live up to and strive toward, a goal, or a promise from our Father.
Saturday morning (we’re Sabbath keepers) I was making bulletins for church and choosing the songs to sing. My usual method of doing so is to consider time of year, sermon topic, and otherwise just do a quick prayer and flip and pick whatever catches my eye. Said method resulted in our opening hymn being “Shine, Jesus, Shine.” I typed the page number and title without thinking much about it.
Then in church, as we sang it, I got that shiver of awareness all through me, and my voice wobbled. My heart welled up inside. I could barely sing, barely play the organ. Because I knew the Lord had just given me my word: Shine.
Still playing, still singing, I started to pray. Was this a private word, just for me, or did it go for the church too? I’d been praying that whatever He gave us for the church, He give to several of us for confirmation. So I asked Him to make clear who all this word was intended for.
After we sang the chorus the final time, my mom (the worship leader) raised her hand and said she wanted us to sing that chorus again. And more, she wanted us to make it our prayer for the year. That the light of the Lord would shine through us, and that we would be the mirror to reflect Christ and his love. My dad (the pastor) added that the words “set our hearts on fire” struck him, and that we ought to pray for that too. And so I also added what I’d been praying for, and how this leaped out as an answer.
I get shivers again remembering. We’re a small church, a tiny congregation of mostly-family. Yet in this little body of believers, I’ve grown closer to the Lord, I’ve heard from Him more, and I’ve felt the moving of the Spirit more than in all my life before, combined. And on Saturday, I latched onto this newest whisper of my God.
Shine.
Shining isn’t easy. It means being bright when you feel dull. It means projecting out when you want to huddle in. It means being filled with light and heat when you might want to crawl into a cool, dark corner and sleep for a century or two.
And not just that–because we are not light in ourselves, because we are, on our own, empty vessels, it means, like my mom said, being that mirror for Christ. Not just when we’re “on,” not just when we’re trying, but always. It means, like my Dad pointed out, having hearts on fire for our Lord and Savior.
I’m not going to claim that already I’m this brilliant, shining creature, enjoying the success of the Lord’s word. But I’m sharing it with you all because I want to be accountable, and because I think it’s a word we can all share. If ever you see me stuck in a shadow, remind me to Shine. And if ever I see you in one, I’ll point my mirror your way and try to share what light I’ve got with you.
That’s the beauty of being a mirror–we can reflect on others without losing anything. So come on, friends. Shine with me. Let’s fill the land with the awesomeness of His presence.
by Roseanna White | Dec 30, 2010 | Thoughtful Thursdays, Uncategorized
Once upon a time, I was a New Year’s Resolution girl, back in the day when I had nothing but time in which to contemplate this stuff, and diaries to write it in. My first real set was when I was 13–I resolved to finish the novel I was working on, and I did.
So along with writing new resolutions on Jan 1, I would take Dec 31 to look back at my past resolutions and examine how I did, to look over the year as a whole. This was even more fun than coming up with new resolutions.
I didn’t write any resolutions down last year (or for countless years before that), but I still like to look back over the past year as it comes to an end. This last one was rather interesting. Speaking professionally, I experienced some unexpected shifts. I was encouraged to write a second Biblical fiction, which I hadn’t planned on doing back in January. Follow-ups with editors at major houses led to a lot of proposal requests. I went from not knowing what project to work on, what was next for me, to having a release scheduled for Jan 3, 2011, and another in the works for 2012. Plus with WhiteFire expanding, that’s a whole new level of, er, newness as we find other authors to work with.
Speaking personally, it was also a year of change. I took the plunge into homeschooling, and discovered how rewarding (and occasionally frustrating, LOL) it can be to share that with Xoe. We watched Rowyn grow from toddler interested only in Mickey Mouse to a little boy wild over anything with wheels. This has also been a year when I realized my sanity is a lot more secure with regular, if brief, breaks from my precious little kiddos. 😉 Special thanks to the grandmothers for watching them now and then and giving me the time I need to recharge–by writing, LOL.
I’m still probably not going to write down resolutions, but I’ve already started some of the things I want to improve on this year. I’ve started exercising again (ugh), and have started prayer journaling. I’ve toyed with it throughout the year (both, LOL, but primarily the journaling), but never kept it up for various reasons. Both my mom and grandmother got me beautiful journals for Christmas though, and nothing inspires me like a beautiful journal. So since Christmas, I’ve been starting each morning by reading a bit in my Bible and then journaling.
Here’s why I like it. With two small kids and no guaranteed quiet time, having a time for praying just doesn’t always happen. I try. I do. But it often sounds something like, “Dear Lord, thank you for–“
“Mommy! I need you!”
“Just a minute, please. Lord, I thank you for my beautiful family and–“
“Mommy, he’s hitting me!”
“Mommy, Xoe take my toy!”
“Dear Lord . . . what was I saying?”
Focusing was always a challenge, and half the time I forgot what in the world I was trying to pray about. With journaling, I’m writing it all down, so when I lose focus, I can get it back very easily by rereading my last sentence. Ah, writing. (Which is, of course, its own reason for me to do it this way.)
Another thing I love about it is that it’s a record, so you can go back days, weeks, months, even years later and see how the Lord has answered your prayers. When I’ve done journaling in the past, that was what I loved most about it. In looking back, I would discover things I’d prayed about that I’d totally spaced after a while, but which I could then see that God had faithfully answered. Pretty cool!
Oh, another quick, cool idea someone on one of my writing loops mentioned a couple years ago. Rather than making resolutions, they ask the Lord for a word each year, one word that they are to live up to, strive to achieve, or which will be important that year. I’m asking the Lord for a word for 2012 too. =)
So while I may not be making traditional resolutions, I’ve already seized the spirit of the thing. How about you? Do you write resolutions, or maybe set goals? What’s the one thing you want to work on this year? Or the one word the Lord has given you?
by Roseanna White | Dec 23, 2010 | Thoughtful Thursdays, Uncategorized
This is the first year that both my kids are old enough to get excited about Christmas, and I gotta say–it’s making for some fun memories.
The first bit of fun was when I took Xoe out shopping. The purpose of the trip was actually to pick up curtains, but she spotted a Pillow Pet that was blue and asked if she could get it for Rowyn for Christmas. She then proceeded to find gifts for her cousins–small, but fun. I love that she’s so in the spirit of giving. My MIL took the kids shopping for my hubby, and then my mom took them shopping for me. Xoe was very determined to choose each gift herself and a bit upset when my MIL selected the one for Papa–so she added some chocolates to it when out with my mom. =)
Last Friday when we stopped at the market, I asked David to take Rowyn down the toy aisle to pick out a gift for him to give Xoe while she went with me. Naturally, Rowyn in the toy aisle is hilarious. He kept going, “Rowyn likes trucks.”
David: “Yes, but we’re shopping for Xoe. What would Xoe like?”
Rowyn: “Rowyn likes trucks.”
“What does Xoe like?”
Thinking . . . “Pink trucks?”
LOL. David laughed and said, “Do you see any pink trucks?”
Rowyn looked around for a minute and pointed at a big, red, remote-control monster truck. David put the nix on that one, and they eventually decided on a paint-it-yourself piggy bank. But we got a lot of laughs from our single-minded boy. (And some people dare to argue that girls and boys aren’t just different?)
This was also the first year Xoe could write a letter to Santa. I told her she could only ask for one thing, so she deliberated very carefully before asking him for a pink ballerina princess costume with flowers on it, and ballerina shoes with ribbons. Complete with drawings. And after inquiring after the reindeer, of course. We took the letter to the post office, where they have a special “express delivery to the North Pole” box. She climbed the little stairs, opened the mailbox, put in her letter, and was oh-so-pleased. Then Rowyn said, “Where’s my letter?” Um . . . yeah, we didn’t help him write one. Given that, you know, he can’t write. But as it turns out, he just wanted to climb the stairs and open the box. He didn’t really care about having a letter to put inside. =) And then all evening he kept saying, “Where’s Xoe’s letter? In an airplane? Is it on Santa’s sleigh now?” Very cute.
For our Christmas Eve service, we’re going to be presenting gifts to the Christ child–our gifts being written on paper and delivered. The kids will have wrapped boxes to take him, and our little girls decided they MUST be angels. Xoe was very adamant about this, but also insisted Rowyn had to be something different. His choice? A turtle. There’s nothing saying there were turtles in the stable, but hey. Why not? LOL.
I hope everyone else is having as fun a year as we are!
by Roseanna White | Dec 16, 2010 | Thoughtful Thursdays, Uncategorized
I’ve been having a bit of difficulty getting into my latest work-in-progress. Probably because it’s been nine months since I wrote the first three chapters, and rather than day-dreaming about this one during those months, I was hard at work on Jewel of Persia. But this story is semi-under deadline, so I have to get working on it. Usually pressure gets my creative juices flowing, so I’m cool with that.
Except . . . well, it wasn’t working that way. Every single page, every single chapter has felt like a struggle since I picked it up again, and I had no idea what I was going to do about it. I kept thinking, “If I could just get to this part over here, but how do I do that?”
Yesterday my hubby had to travel to Baltimore for the day, and my mom took the kids Christmas shopping in the morning. Knowing I was going to have a solid block of writing time, I got all set up at my desk, put my butt in the chair, and stopped. Pulled out my Bible, opened to Proverbs 16.
1 The preparations of the heart belong to man,
But the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.
2 All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes,
But the LORD weighs the spirits.
3 Commit your works to the LORD,
And your thoughts will be established. . . .
and of course the ever famous verse 9 . . .
9 A man’s heart plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps.
Had I dedicated this book to God? I know I’d prayed for the writing of it, that the words come. But somehow that didn’t feel like enough yesterday. So yet again, I stopped. And I prayed that if I should write this book, that I write it the way the Lord wanted. That if this is to be the next step in my career, it be His step. That He would remove from me any motives not His own, and more specifically any ideas for the story that would not glorify Him.
Then I opened my eyes, and I wrote. I wrote 3,000 yesterday, which is by no means a record for me–but it’s been MONTHS since I’ve written that much in a day. And oh, it felt so good. Not just because it was an accomplishment, but because I finally felt as though I were writing the right book . . . for the right reasons. And yet, my story ideas haven’t really changed. The book didn’t suddenly take an unexpected turn.
But I think maybe I did. I think maybe I turned that corner and stopped thinking, “I have to write this book to show it to the editor,” and started thinking, “This story has potential and deserves to be told.”
I asked the Lord to show me and help me pull out some of His Truths through the telling of this story, and now I have this peace inside promising that I will. What will they be? Well, I don’t know yet. But I do know that I don’t ever want to write a book without them.
If this book ends up being the one that gets a contract with that major publisher it’s aimed at, then wonderful. But if it doesn’t . . . well I finally stopped thinking I’d be wasting my time on it if it doesn’t. Now I’m eager to see what God has to teach me, and just maybe others, through its telling.
Roseanna M. White is a bestselling, Christy Award winning author who has long claimed that words are the air she breathes. When not writing fiction, she’s homeschooling her two kids, editing, designing book covers, and pretending her house will clean itself. Roseanna is the author of a slew of historical novels that span several continents and thousands of years. Spies and war and mayhem always seem to find their way into her books…to offset her real life, which is blessedly ordinary.