The advent of summer vacation means that, even though I’d love to be out with my parasol promenading through nature a la the Claude Monet painting here, I’m glued even more to my computer. Trying, trying to get caught up on writing, editing, and design. Trying to get organized. Trying to do what needs to be done and still help the kids have fun.

But you know, there’s always conflict. And when there’s conflict with my kids, I inevitably come away feeling terrible. In short, every time I say “No, I can’t,” and my wee ones pout at me, I feel guilty.

It’s tough. Being a stay-at-home-mom is tough on its own (am I right? Eh, eh? Can I get a “hallelujah”?? LOL). Being a stay-at-home, work-from-home mom sometimes stresses me to the point of banging my head against my desk and pleading with the world for five minutes of SILENCE. Which, of course, then makes me feel guilty for not having enough patience…

But here’s the thing. Moms very rarely have the luxury to just be their kids’ playmates. If I weren’t glued to my computer, I’d be gardening or making homemade pasta (my friend just posted pictures of doing this, and I had one of those “Oh, if only I had time!!!” moments) or making bread or picking up messes or scrubbing spots from my carpet or doing laundry more than once a week (ahem) or… you get the idea. I’d be keeping up with other projects. There’s a reason kids used to run rather free, when it was safe for them to do so–because mothers always have responsibilities.

It happens that my writing-related responsibilities take the priority over organization or homemade-this-and-that-making. And while it’s harder to get the kids involved in it (as opposed to baking, say, which they help me with), I really try. They’re often right beside me, painting or coloring or writing their own stories (okay, not Rowyn yet–but he’ll pretend).

But still, I need some quiet work time. Our current set-up gives me one day a week without the kids. One day–and I often feel guilty over it. I try telling myself that I have no reason to, that it’s not unreasonable, that I need it. Yeah, that never works.

Then I hear that little whisper. I was called to be a mother, yes. And I love my children in ways I never imagined I could love. But I was also called to serve the Lord through the written word. To write books. To help found a publishing company. And those callings require the sacrifice of my time. Daily I have to pray for insight in how to balance it, and if I’m at my computer at all, my kids will say I spend too much time there, LOL. But there it is. If I believe this is my calling, I need to do what needs done to achieve it.

Now, I’m not saying we don’t all run the risk of neglecting one thing in order to pursue another. Sometimes we go too far. But we also all need to be aware that when we are doing what the Lord wants us to do, that’s going to open us to attack. And so we’ll feel jealousy. We’ll feel discouragement.

We’ll feel guilt.

I need to remain forever aware of my kids’ needs and put them, without question, first. But I also need to give them to God and remember that a happy child isn’t one who has her mother’s undivided attention, she’s one who has learned by example to seek after the Lord. My seeking, my obedience, is here. At my desk. With my Bible on my right (and another on my left, and two more on the shelf above me…), my computer under my fingers, and my kids dashing in and out.

Do you ever struggle with balancing the multiple things God has called you to do? Ever feel guilty over it? How do you deal with that?

As summer approaches and is in effect here for many of us in terms of school and whatnot, I’ve noticed something. Most writers with kids assume they’ll get less done during the summer, with their bundles of energy underfoot. And I can see where this would be the case.

But I home school–so for me, summer is a break from the grind just like it is for the kids. And man, am I hoping to get MORE done!

Since the school year began, I’ve wrapped up one novel that was 75% done when the year started. I’ve written another novel. I’ve edited that first one. I’ve written a novella. I’ve put together something like four different proposals. And I’ve also done quite a bit of editing for WhiteFire titles.

But oh, the work I have piled up that I’d like to tackle this summer! I’ve gotten sidetracked by an unexpected but promising project that’s allowing me to rewrite (again, LOL) my first-ever novel. I worked on that proposal a month ago and now need to work a bit more on it. But I also need to dive into my second Culper Ring book for Harvest House; it’s not due until January, but I want it mostly done by the time the school year rolls back around again.

I’ll also have to edit my Civil War-era book at some point, and that might have to be this summer too. Plus editing for WhiteFire, of course–got some fun projects there. =)

When am I going to do all this? Yeah, um…I don’t know, LOL. And have I mentioned I’m probably moving at the end of summer? Not far, just back to the WV side of the river, but I’m sure that’s going to throw a wrench into my schedule at some point too.

But for today, I have a few hours of quiet, and all I have to do (ahem) is three loads of laundry, clean my house top to bottom, and write. Piece of cake, right? 😉 Seriously, we just finished up our school year yesterday, so this feels like complete freedom. And tomorrow, my fellow-WhiteFire editor and author, critique partner and friend Dina Sleiman is coming up for a visit, so I’m really excited to get to hang out with her. =) (Although that is why I have to clean my house…) And tonight is dress rehearsal for my daughter’s first ballet, which will be performed Saturday and Sunday.

Yeah, busy weekend. And sure to be a busy summer. What big goals do you have?

On Sunday, several families in our home school group got together to celebrate our wee ones’ graduation from kindergarten. My friend Paige put together an amazing ceremony and party, and it was a wonderful, heart-warming time. (Though Xoë was doing a combination of 1st and 2nd grade material this year, so we had rarely thought of her being technically in kindergarten, LOL.)

When we arrived, Paige asked if I’d like to say anything during the ceremony about the school year–I hadn’t considered this so kinda shrugged. Giving a speech wasn’t really on my “Yes, I must do this!” list. 😉 But when it came that time of the ceremony and all the other moms started saying a little something, when I saw the bashful grins on the cute little faces in the front of the room, I knew that wasn’t going to fly. I knew if I kept quiet, in my comfort zone, then Xoë would be upset. She would wonder why her mommy hadn’t said anything about how great she was. She would feel…less.

Obviously, Mama couldn’t have that. 😉 But it was an interesting realization, and one that reminded me again of why so often God uses the analogy of parenthood to help us understand Him and faith. It’s the kind of selfless love, the kind of just-for-you thinking that the Lord demonstrates so perfectly and that we can only occasionally live up to. The kind of love that makes one do what one wouldn’t necessarily want to do, if it were a matter of wanting.

But it isn’t, is it? With love, it’s something way bigger than mere wants. It’s when ultimate will for the good of the one you love takes precedent over smaller desires. That’s the kind of love that led God to grant prayer after prayer for mercy when justice demanded action. The kind of love that makes Him remember His promises even when man doesn’t. And ultimately, it’s the kind of love that resulted in Him sending Jesus to Earth for us, isn’t it?

As I sat there and watched my precious little girl enjoy this milestone with her friends, when I saw her beautiful smile as I told everyone about the things I so appreciate about being her teacher–hearing the insightful questions she asks, the beautiful stories and pictures she comes up with, and the incredible honor of being the one who gets to talk to about all these things with her–I had to thank the Lord for the amazing gift of family, of kids. And of His love, that teaches us how to appreciate them.