A Soft Answer

With permission from my new friend Caroline, I want to tell you a story that came out of my “Hey, MAGA friends, do you have a minute?” post that I shared here on my blog as “Why I Feel Betrayed.” By Sunday, I had completely lost control of the comment section, but some of the newest comments were saying how impressed they were with the level of civility and open dialogue, so I assured myself it was still okay. I went about my life, including a trip to the hospital to talk about my next surgery, and how it needs to wait until my next scans to make sure I’m still clear of the cancer I’m being treated for (I offer this as explanation for my own raw emotional state).

As we were leaving the hospital, I pulled up my phone and did something I honestly rarely do on my phone anymore–I opened my Messenger app. And I saw a message waiting in the “pending” file, the ones from people not already on my friends list. There had been a lot of these that weekend, mostly from international people who had no idea how I popped up in their feed and didn’t feel they had a right to weigh in on a post directed to a particular group of people, but who wanted to thank me for opening a non-shouting conversation, and that from their point of view, it was the first hope they’d had in a long time that America might get through this.

Honestly, I was expecting more of the same. But instead, I opened up this message from Caroline, and I saw this (again, shared with her permission, using only her first name):

Caroline

Roseanna, I am so sorry I responded to your question on Facebook. But even more I am so disappointed. Your post incited online bullying and I am saddened that I took your bait and fell for it. I have deleted my reply to your post and blocked those that I needed to. You crossed a line…in your own words you said never discuss politics on Facebook and for some reason you decided it was ok. You know that because of your profession, you have a large audience and so I wonder what did you expect you were going to accomplish? Anyway, I wish you the best.

Now, let me tell you a bit about me. I don’t mind when people disagree with my ideas–I know how often I shift and refine them and come to new understandings of complex things, so why in the world should anyone else agree with what I myself might not in the future? But I feel it like an arrow to the heart when someone questions my motives, so this cut. It didn’t make me angry, it HURT. Because someone was hurt, and they perceived it as my fault, and what if it WAS my fault?

As I began frantically composing a response ON MY PHONE (which I hate to do, LOL. Give me a computer keyboard any day!) my husband asked, “What’s wrong?” Because he knows me, LOL. So I told him and, seeking to comfort me, he said, “Don’t worry about it, honey. It’s probably just a troll.”

I didn’t think it was. But even if it had been, I’d rather respond kindly to a troll or a bot than risk letting a real grieving heart go unanswered. So I replied:

Roseanna

Oh Caroline, I am so sorry you were bullied! Did I say something that hurt you or was it others? (I’m trying to keep track but have been overwhelmed). If it was me who said something that hurt you, I am truly sorry. I am trying to see each point of view, understand it, offer my own perspective, but always affirm that your perspective is valid and valuable. If others in the content section attacked, then I’m so sorry that wasn’t checked. There are still hundreds of comments I haven’t seen yet, and I’ve been praying they’ve remained respectful.

Caroline replied to let me know that it wasn’t me, it was others. I apologized again and asked her if she would feel comfortable sharing her thoughts there privately with me–because I’ve found that the ones who garner attack are the ones I really need to understand. She was gracious enough to do so…and I admit, I was baffled as to why anyone had bullied her for them. Did we agree on everything? No. But we’d very clearly started from the same place, and she represented one of the more moderate views I’d seen that weekend.

Long story short, we ended up talking back and forth about how hard it is to know what “good” to prioritize, what “bad” to prioritize against, when they are in conflict. How we’re all just muddling our way through a very imperfect system.

I thanked her for trusting me with her view after she’d been hurt in my comment section. She thanked me for being willing to listen and apologize. We fell silent for a while with peace between us.

And then Caroline truly proved her Christ-seeking heart when she reached out again to apologize for blaming me for what others had said, for assuming bad motives on my part. She asked my forgiveness. And I gave it in a heartbeat, acknowledging that sure, she made an assumption about me–but that the moment she reached out to me with it instead of letting it fester, she’d done exactly the thing Jesus instructs us to do, and I was so grateful. I apologized again that she was hurt on my watch.

And we ended that day both calling it such a blessing. We’ve chatted each day since. We now count each other a new friend and are getting each other’s takes on unrelated things.

Do we still have those points of disagreement? Absolutely! And that’s OKAY. We can still be friends. We can still talk…and now we know we can talk about the hard things, and we can help each other understand them better.

This is what communication is supposed to do, friends. Not create click-bait or fan the flames of outrage. We can disagree with something without calling people names.

I’m so grateful Caroline reached out. I’m so grateful she forgave me and asked my forgiveness in turn. I’m so grateful that we gained a friend that day instead of falling into resentment over disagreements.

And I pray we can all do more of this. Less shouting, more talking. That we can deliberately seek reconciliation instead of outrage. That we can prioritize loving our neighbor over winning an argument. Caroline gives me hope that we can.