We learn as toddlers how to talk. But somehow, many of us are no longer taught how to have an actual, earnest, honest, and respectful conversation. Given the deep divides these days, we need the skill more than ever…and have it less than ever.

So today, I’m going to share the things I learned at my college, where we have conversations for 4 years on foundational texts of western society, whether we agree with the text or our fellow students or not. And what I’ve learned in the meantime. We’re going to take a lighthearted approach rather than an academic one.

Because, y’all…whew! It’s shouty out there!

How to Have a Conversation…Instead of a Shouting Match

In 15 Easy Steps

1. The goal is not to WIN. The goal is to LEARN. (Repeat this ten times before you begin and as needed throughout a conversation.)

2. “I have some things right. I have some things wrong.” (Repeat this three times silently before you even begin.)

3. The purpose of listening is not to find the flaw in the argument. The purpose of listening is to understand not only what they’re saying, but why they’re saying it.

4. I will not aim any of the following words and phrases at any other member of the conversation: Moron, Idiot, Liar, Shame on you, How dare you, You’re deluded, Are you blind?, Are you deaf?, Are you crazy?, Insane, Stupid, Disgrace…you get the idea. If it is shouted on a primary school playground, it does not belong in our conversation.

5. I will not assume the problem is with THEIR understanding; first I will assume the problem is with MINE (see Rule 6).

6. When I don’t understand a point, I will ask for clarification instead of assuming the speaker is a moron (see Rule 4).

7. We do not agree on everything. Whoever we are. But we can still be friends.

8. We are not “agreeing to disagree.” We are agreeing that we have much to learn from each other, and that we are each made richer by learning the other’s perspective.

9. I will not judge a PERSON because of an IDEA they express.

10. I can step away if it gets too emotional. I would rather be silent and think things through for a few minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even longer, than to damage a relationship and deliberately hurt someone else (see Rule 7).

11. I am responsible for my tongue. I am responsible for the things I say. I am responsible for their consequences. I will think before I speak.

12. (If you are a person of faith) When I have a quick, knee-jerk, emotional reaction, before I respond, I will PRAY. I will pray first for MY OWN HEART, that God will give me a spirit of understanding and humility and grace, that He will convict me of any wrongdoing on my own part. And then I will pray for the other person or people (FOR them, not ABOUT them).

(If you are NOT a person of faith) When I have a quick, knee-jerk, emotional reaction, before I respond, I will pause to think. I will examine first MY OWN HEART and consider whether my gut response is one of understanding, empathy, and humility, or pride. I will ask myself WHY the other person holds the opinions they do, and if perhaps they’re coming from a place of hurt as well. I will ask if I have contributed to this hurt.

13. I will always remember that the people I’m conversing with are no less worthy of respect, no less worthy of honor, no less worthy of love than I am. Their opinion is no less valid than mine.

14. I will not just make statements. I will ask questions.

15. I will endeavor to see a person’s heart rather than look for an excuse to tear them down. I will assume they are saying what they believe to be true. I will assume they do not intend to hurt me.