Thoughtful About . . . The Sacrifice of Thanksgiving

Thoughtful About . . . The Sacrifice of Thanksgiving

by | Nov 15, 2018 | Holidays, Thoughtful Thursdays

It’s once again that time of year when we set aside time to focus on giving thanks. Thanks to our God for all He has provided. Thanks for all He is. Thanks for all He’s made us.
It’s that time of year when I often pause to remember the start of the American tradition and stand in continual awe at the Pilgrims that first celebrated Thanksgiving on this continent. Who celebrated and gave thanks despite the fact that every single one of them had suffered the cruel death of a loved one in the year that had just passed. That families had been patched together, binding widows to widowers, orphans to parents who had lost children. That the community had chosen to hold steady, to move forward together. To give thanks. Despite the fact that they had so many reasons to mourn. So much grief burdening them. So many obstacles ahead.
When I’m making a list of things to be thankful for, I know what tops mine: my family, my friends, the chance to write, the Church, His Spirit.
But this year, as I’ve spent these last few months contemplating how I can #BeBetter, how I can stop viewing those who have different opinions or beliefs as my opposition or enemy, I feel like I’m being challenged to something new.
In 1 Thessalonians 5:14-18, Paul instructs us (emphasis my own):
14 Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. 15 See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all.
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Everything. That isn’t always easy. But God also calls us to offer our praise even when it’s hard. Even when it’s a sacrifice. Sometimes, thanksgiving is the same. Sometimes, He asks us to take a step back from the emotion that holds us captive–the pain, the anger, the grief…the happiness, the Joy, the victory–and see things through His eyes. To see that even when we feel loss, He is still at work. Even when death steals from us, He gives us life. Even when we’re prisoners, He offers freedom of the soul. Even when we cannot see the reason, He holds it all in His hands.
But not only that. The things we consider victory and Joy cause pain and fear for others. God cares about that, too, doesn’t He? He loves those who are confused about their identity…He loves those who fear bigotry so much that they extend the definition into things I don’t feel it should include. He loves those who think my faith is dangerous. Does He want us laughing in Joy when we score a “win”…or praying for those who are hurt by it?
This year, I’m going to be spending my Thanksgiving deliberately thanking God for the things and people that cause me stress. I’m going to thank Him for the people who don’t believe as I do–because they have opinions that challenge me, and it’s through challenging each other that we achieve intellectual honesty. I’m going to thank Him for what I’ve lost, because sometimes it takes stripping me of the things I cling to for me to really see Who matters. I’m going to thank Him for every single thing I hope changes in the year to come, because the fact that it’s here in my life means I need to learn from it.
We are all dealt hard blows. We all suffer. We all fear. It’s what we do with it that makes a difference. And if our “doing” is to praise God, to thank Him for the loss, for the pain, for the hurt, for the difficulty… Well then, we’re not going to be seeking revenge. We’re not going to be wallowing in those emotions–we’re going to be wallowing in Him.
And that, my friends, can change the world. One person at a time.
Next week I will be celebrating Thanksgiving and taking the week off from blogging, but be sure to swing by here on Monday, November 26th to see what Cyber Monday sales I’ll be offering!
Remember When . . . He Made Us His Own

Remember When . . . He Made Us His Own

by | Nov 7, 2018 | Remember When Wednesdays, Thoughtful Thursdays

I have been adopted by a king. And so have you.

I remember when I was in high school, on one of my piano recital days, I was battling nerves by praying and just dwelling on Him. I can still see the church sanctuary in my mind’s eye, with the baby grand piano that I’d soon play for the collection of family and friends gathered there. I can still see the sunlight streaming through the window. I can still feel the creased, worn pages of the music book in my hands. I was maybe fourteen or fifteen…that detail escapes me. ? But that day, as I dwelt on all He’s done for me, I realized something pretty cool. That He was the King of kings…and I am His daughter, His heir. I am a princess of the Kingdom of God.

Now, this was before the days of memes and social media. These days, I see beautiful images and catchy phrases that share this idea left and right. But at the time, it was a revelation. And it was one that has always stuck with me.
My God sent His Son–the true heavenly Prince–to this earth to die for me. To die for you. And so to provide a means for us to become joint-heirs with him. How amazing is that?

I loved learning that in the day and age when Jesus walked the earth, adoption was something very serious. Under Roman law, when a child was adopted into a family, they were entitled to the family name, legacy, and inheritance. They could inherit titles. Thrones. Everything a natural child could. This hasn’t been the case throughout all of history–but it was then. Which makes it all the more important that it was that moment of history that hosted the arrival of our Savior. Because when He then offered adoption into His family, it meant something complete. Something profound. Something irreversible. We will inherit the kingdom of God.

A fitting contemplation now that we’re into November ~ Adoption Awareness Month.
For those of you who have read my Shadows Over England series, you know how much I loved crafting a family of adopted-by-each-other orphans as my heroes and heroines. This family understands that it’s love that binds us together, not blood. Love that makes a brother or a sister, a parent or a child.

I love that God gave us such an always-present illustration of what He’s done for us. And as we thank Him over and again for all He’s done for us in that respect, it seems like a great time to contemplate how we in this world do the same. I have some friends who went through the fire to be able to adopt children in need; I have family who has acted as foster parents to countless boys and adopted several of them over the years; and I had the privilege of helping edit a book about a birth mother who chose to give up her child, and who was finally reunited with her many years later. This tender memoir has snippets from the birth mother, the child, the adopted mother, and a few glimpses into other families’ adoptions as well.
Paperback | Kindle (on sale for November!)
This November, let’s make it a point to remember, as we gear our minds toward thankfulness, what our heavenly Father has done for us. And also to dwell on how His children follow His example even today.
Thank you, Father, for making us your own. And thank you for equipping us with hearts to mirror you and bring others into our families as well.

Thoughtful About . . . Us V. Them?

Thoughtful About . . . Us V. Them?

by | Nov 1, 2018 | Thoughtful Thursdays

I believe in Good. I believe in Evil. I believe in absolute truth. I believe that sometimes we land firmly on one side or another of this virtually-eternal war…but only sometimes. I believe that more often than not, we are still in the position of Adam and Eve, standing with that forbidden fruit in our hands. We are still created in the image of God. We are still filled largely with His Goodness. But we’ve let evil in.

The question is…are we letting it reign?
Goodreads

I recently started listening to the audio version of a really enlightening book, The Coddling of the American Mind by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt. In it, the authors are examining the recent trend of “safe places” and “fragility” of college students and using scientific research to show why it’s harmful and offer solutions to it.

The authors begin by laying out three untruths they want to expose and refute. I do highly recommend this book, especially to anyone with a child or grandchild of the “internet” generation–it’s led our family to institute some changes! But I’m not going to just talk about the book. I’m rather going to take one of the untruths they name and examine it spiritually rather than academically. The untruth in question:
There are good people and there are evil people, and life is just one constant struggle between these two sides. How do you know if you’re on the side of Good? You trust your feelings.
Let me say again: I believe in Good and Evil. The kind with capitals. But still, with my logic engaged, I could hear that statement and immediately know that it was wrong.
Why?
Because of the use of the word people, first of all. And then because if you were to accept that statement as true, you’d have to rely on feelings to determine right and wrong, and we all know how fickle and often wrong our feelings can be.
But let’s look at that statement. Good people versus evil people. We know, intellectually, that this is wrong, don’t we? We have to grant that it is when we consider some of Christianity’s greatest heroes and, indeed, founding fathers. Paul. He was first a Christian-hunter. One eager to kill the “good people”, which by definition makes him the enemy.
If we call our enemy evil, that means he’s beyond redemption. Fully in the grasp of the ultimate Evil One. That he has bound his will to Satan’s.
Was this the case for Paul? Obviously not. God saw what human eyes certainly did not. God saw that Paul in fact wanted to seek the Good, but was laboring under a false opinion about what Good really was. He was earnestly seeking God and God’s will…but his feelings on what God’s will was happened to be wrong. God righted him. And we ended up with The Apostle.
This doesn’t happen with every enemy of God. But it happens with a shocking number of them. The why and how are certainly important, especially because it’s often through these “enemies” seeing the love of God at work in His people. But what I really want to focus on today isn’t whether they ever change.
It’s how we view them, even when we remain on opposite sides.
We can’t force change on them. But we can control our own feelings and actions in relation to them.

I cannot begin to count how many times in recent years I’ve heard people of opposing views label the others as evil or worst person ever or monster just because they don’t agree with them. It’s a natural stance to take, honestly. If you’re not us, then you’re them. And if you’re them, then you are on the Wrong Side. And more often than not, you’re there because of emotion, so logic will never convince you to join the Right Side. Therefore, you are beyond help unless God himself steps in (bring it on, God! Strike them blind and set them straight!).

Am I right?
But this is so, so hurtful. Not just to Them. But to Us. Whichever “us” that might be. Maybe it means Christians. Maybe it means Americans. Maybe it means Republicans or Democrats, Liberal or Conservative. Maybe it means a particular race. Or a particular gender. Or a proponent of a particular view or belief.
Whatever the label we embrace, when we embrace it, we exclude from our love anyone who doesn’t belong to the same camp. Seriously, this is another scientifically-proven fact. Humanity is tribal–our brains are wired to feel more empathy, sympathy, and care for those like us. But it doesn’t matter how they’re like us. We can make the distinction over something important, like faith, or something trivial, like the color T-shirt we’re wearing. But once the groups have been made and we’ve been told we’re part of it, MRIs show spikes that demonstrate sympathetic emotions for that group far more than any other. We want to belong. And when we do, we guard that belonging with ferocity.

This helps us survive, helps civilization grow, helps a tribe, then a town, then a city, then a nation to form. But once you get into a large group–like this huge country of ours, filled with such diversity–it becomes too big for us. We start breaking down into smaller factions. Anyone remember that unity for the first week or two after 9/11? It was shocking. We were, for the first time in decades, American before anything else. But it didn’t take long for people to start arguing again about what that meant. To start labeling and pointing fingers and thinking once again that the monsters weren’t the terrorists but them, the ones on the other side of the aisle.

This is natural. But God doesn’t call us to live in the natural, does He? He calls us to #BeBetter than what we are in the flesh. To strive to live in the Spirit, who lives in us. Does God choose who to love based on their decisions? Their color? Their gender? Their political views?
God isn’t bound by these tribal tendencies. God knows who the ultimate Us V. Them belongs to, and it’s not in humanity. We don’t have the eyes to see that spiritual war between Good and Evil most of the time, but we can have the eyes to see this basic truth:
That person who disagrees with you? God loves them. They are not beyond redemption. They are Just–Like–Us. Sinners until they accept the extension of Jesus’ grace. And how do we, limited in our view as we are, know if or when that will happen? We don’t. All we know is that God loves them. And so, as His children, we are called to do the same.

I do not and cannot agree with an awful lot of things prevalent in this world. I’m not supposed to. I’m called to stand against them. I’m called to hate evil. I’m called to name it for what it is. But “evil” is not a person. And when I hear views that I label as such coming from a human mouth, my role is not to denounce the person. My role is to find a way to be like Paul–to be “everything to everyone.” To find common ground with that person, so that I can love them. So that they can connect with and love me. And once we’re part of the same tribe–even if just for a moment–to show them who God is.

God is bigger than a tribe or a town or a city or a nation. God is bigger than liberal or conservative. And He calls us to be bigger too. To #BeBetter. To be better today than we were yesterday. To be better than our human natures want to be. To be better than we think we can, because it hurts.
But we have Christ in us. And that means we can do all things. We can be in pain, or we can be in bliss. We can be the victors or the defeated. We can be in prison or we can be in the White House. We can be rich or poor, hungry or full. We can #BeBetter. When we can’t achieve it through our own power, we can achieve it through His.
And so, my friends, can They. Our fight, remember, is not against the people of this world. It’s against the powers of darkness. But we can’t fight the ultimate Them if we’re so busy squabbling with our own.
My challenge–to you and to myself–is to stop seeing those of opposing views as Them. And when we find ourselves actually face-to-face with someone who falls in that camp, to focus on finding that commonality rather than our differences. Find what makes them Us. And then love them.
Let’s see what that might change.

When we’re talking about Us Vs. Them, there’s no story I’ve examined it more fully in than A Soft Breath of Wind. Zipporah can see into the spiritual realm–she actually knows who is out to “get them.” But still, she has to face God will–not to hate or condemn or let her own emotions rule her, but to find a way to love her greatest enemy.

And so, for the first time, signed copies of A Soft Breath of Wind are on sale from my online store! And the ebook is always $3.99.

Thoughtful About . . . What Is Worth Fighting For?

Thoughtful About . . . What Is Worth Fighting For?

by | Oct 18, 2018 | Thoughtful Thursdays

As I’m sure is no secret to you, we live in what’s being called an “Outrage Society.” People seem to love to get their dander up. To point fingers. To be offended. To declare each other unreasonable, stupid, and declare for all of social media to see that if you think that then we can’t be friends.

We live in a world where people have become addicted to that flash of anger. The increase in adrenaline that comes with being outraged. We live in a world where, though we say that all opinions matter and are equally valid, what we really mean is that our opinions matter and are more “equally” valid than any other, and those who think otherwise are monsters.

We live in a world where people are so quick to pick a fight. So quick to take a side. So quick to vilify the other.
I’ve long been sorrowful over that…but it wasn’t until recently that I began to think it isn’t just sad. It’s scary.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s heard rumors about what might happen after this next election. Both the left and the right have their…honestly, I don’t know what to call them other than conspiracy theories. Or in this case, conspiracy fantasies. They both want the other side to be given a big “up yours.” And both couch it in pseudo-legal ideas.

What no one seems to be pausing to consider is that when we twist the legal system to achieve our political–or moral or idealistic–goals, what we’re doing is putting ourselves in danger. Our own ideals. Our own morals. Our own politics.

When we refuse to extend fairness and respect to the other side, we’re saying we don’t value fairness and respect. 
And when we stop valuing fairness and respect, we stop getting fairness and respect.

This, my friends, is not how we can #BeBetter. This is how we become worse.

Should we argue and fight for what we believe in? Absolutely. BUT, only if we’re also arguing and fighting for our opposition’s right to believe differently. Should we have opinions on our legal and justice and political systems? Of course! So long as we also recognize that forcing our opinions on others can result only in the destruction of the system we think we’re fighting for.
What’s worth fighting for? The right to fight. The right for all sides to fight, argue, believe what they want. That’s the only way we stay a free people. That’s the only way we know we will get to keep on following our own consciences legally.
I’m sure many of you have heard or read the following, from a pastor in Germany in the days of Hitler, Martin Niemöller:
First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a socialist.
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out— because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.
I’ve always found that striking. But these days, as I hear people on both the right and left calling for things that are not only illegal in the American justice system but would in fact set a precedent for tearing apart that whole system, I can’t help but think this is even more dangerous. Because we have people not just not speaking out. We have people–good people, godly people–cheering. Hoping they “come for” the opposition.
Have you done that? Have I? Have we gotten so caught up in our frustration over what we deem wrong that we cheer at the thought of others’ destruction? Maybe…probably. It fulfills that need inside to be proven right. Those conspiracy fantasies (I like that phrase, I’m gonna keep it, LOL) make us feel like we’re winning, like good is triumphing over evil.
But here’s the thing. Our King chose to be crucified. Our Lord chose humility. Our Savior tells us to love and not hate. To champion grace, not just justice. To seek to show Him to our enemies, not to show them. Our God calls us to #BeBetter.
So I really have to ask. What’s worth fighting for?
Not just my side. Not just your side. We, my friends, need to be fighting for the freedom to choose a side at all. We need to be fighting not for a win, but for Him. And He had quite a lot to say about enemies. That it isn’t even about what we do. It’s about what’s in our hearts.
So I guess that’s my answer. What’s worth fighting for? The hearts of mankind. And that isn’t a battle waged in political arenas or courtrooms. It’s one waged on our knees.
Let’s stop being outraged. And let’s start being outspoken about His love.

Thoughtful About . . . Honoring (Undeserving) Parents

Thoughtful About . . . Honoring (Undeserving) Parents

by | Oct 11, 2018 | Thoughtful Thursdays

The last few weeks, my dad (who happens to be my pastor) has been preaching through the Ten Commandments. He recently covered number five–the first commandment to contain a promise. Now, he had plenty of material to get through with the focus he chose, and he said up front he wasn’t even going to touch on how to honor parents who don’t meet a basic definition of good. Namely:

The ones who abandon their kids.
The ones who abuse and misuse.
The ones who neglect.
The ones who hurt.
I totally get why he focused where he did–but I also wanted to say, “No, say more! Talk about that too!” LOL. Because let’s face it.
Far too many people today don’t have good parents. They don’t have parents who make it easy to honor them. So how are they to obey that commandment?

First, a disclaimer: my parents are awesome. They have always been there with love and encouragement. They taught me to honor God and value family. So in no way do I have firsthand experience with this topic. But I do have secondhand experience. I have friends and family who have to ask this question. It’s also a question I’ve had to deal with when I wrote Giver of Wonders, in which my heroine’s father all but forces his daughters into prostitution (not exactly uncommon in the ancient world, sadly). It made me view things in a new way, to be sure.

So. The fifth commandment.
12 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
As Paul points out in Ephesians 6, this is the first commandment that promises something in return for obedience: that your days may be long upon the land. Have you ever paused to consider why honoring your parents carries the promise of a long life?
I think there are several sides to it. First of all, in the ancient world, parents had the right of life and death over their children. Even into New Testament days in the Roman Empire, a father could at any point in time kill his children with no consequences, because they were considered his property. So there’s a simple logic to this–honor your parents, because they could kill you if you don’t, LOL. Dishonoring them, even in the Law of Moses, could result in stoning. But at a certain point–the point where your life starts to stretch out too long upon the land–it’s not your parents you’re still probably worried about. It’s your kids. And where will your kids have learned how to treat you? By watching how you treat your parents. They hear every sigh, every grumble, see every eye roll, and they pay attention. If we treat our parents with disrespect, that’s the lesson our kids are going to internalize in how they should treat us.

But that’s assuming they see us getting to treat our parents in any way–it’s assuming they’re there. What about when the parents are absent? Or cruel? Abusive? Selfish?

I think it’s worth noting the word Moses uses here. Honor. As my dad pointed out in his sermon, the Hebrew word used here implies a weight. Responsibility. Burden. It’s heavy business. Note that it does not say “obey.” That’s the word we often use, especially in “quick and easy” translations for our kids. “Obey your parents!” Pointed look. But that’s a whole different word. Obedience might be part of honoring–sometimes, especially when the kids are younger. But as they age? Whole different thing there. As we grow into adults and have kids of our own, it’s not a matter of obeying our parents’ every command anymore. It’s a matter of treating them with respect, of accepting the burden of care for them as they grow weaker.


How to do that with a parent with whom you have little to no relationship? As I struggled with this question in Cyprus’s story, the only good answer I could find was that she needed to fight for her father’s soul, even when he’d given up. She disobeys his direct word in order to minister to him and care for him. She prayed for him. She loved him in a way he’d never loved her–selflessly, with an agape love.

The question came up for me again in my most recent release An Hour Unspent. Barclay, a now-reformed thief, has spent his life creating a family of fellow orphans, and he’s taught them all the lessons his mother taught him: we never steal from family, we never give stolen items as gifts, we always look out for each other. But when he eventually comes face to face with his mother again in the story, he’s in for a surprise. Because the things she taught him, that he believes and espoused, had only been conveniences for her–ways to keep him in line and doing what she wanted him to do. The woman he sees now is a user, one who only sees what she can gain from any situation. How is he supposed to honor her, when she’s not only undeserving but will harm the family he’s adopted?

This is going to look different in every situation. Sometimes, I think it’s very important to maintain distance, for the sake of the families of which we’re the head. We have to protect our kids from people who will hurt them. But we also want them to see us trying. Maybe that means praying for that absent or abusive parent every day. Maybe it means offering financial support in a safe way–not to enable them to drink or smoke or shoot it away, but to keep a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. Maybe it means encouraging them to get help.

Regardless, it’s going to mean forgiving them for the wrongs they’ve done us and the hurt they’ve caused. That may be the hardest thing. The heaviest thing. But that’s what honor is about–and it wasn’t a command given only in regards to deserving parents. It was a command given in regards to all parents. 

It’s easy to love those who love us, right? Our true test comes in how we treat our enemies–and sometimes, sadly, that’s our own families. Until we do that–until we can do that–we’ll be teaching our kids that bitterness is okay. That when someone deserves our disrespect, that’s what we ought to give them. 
But that’s how the world acts. We want to #BeBetter. We want to show them a better way–a way that exemplifies Christ. A way that loves the unlovable and forgives the unforgivable. Because that is the only way we grow. That’s the only way we change the world–by showing the next generation how to treat those who hurt us. 
When we honor, we prove ourselves worthy of honor. And that’s how we live long upon the land.


Giver of Wonders
A miracle once saved her life ~ will another give her a future?
Cyprus was little more than a child when
a fall left her paralyzed…and when the boy known as the wonder-worker
healed her. Ever since, she has wondered why the Lord spared her, what
he has in store for her. But her pagan father thinks she was spared
solely so she could be introduced to the wealthy wonder-worker,
Nikolaos.
Nikolaos has never questioned that his
call in life is to dedicate himself to the church and to God. Never,
that is, until he and his cousin Petros meet the compelling Cyprus
Visibullis. For years he struggles with the feelings she inspires…and
with the sure knowledge that Petros loves her too.
Petros knows he will never be good
enough for Cyprus’s father to consider him as a match for his favorite
daughter not as long as Nikolaos is there. But when tragedy strikes the
Visibullis family, he will do anything to save his beloved.
Unfortunately, his beloved is determined to do anything to save her
sisters ~ even at the cost of herself.
As the festival of lights bathes their
Greek city in beauty, Cyprus, Petros, and Nikolaos celebrate the miracle
of their Savior s birth together one last time. And in remembrance of
their Lord’s greatest gift, one of them will make the ultimate sacrifice
for the others…and a centuries-long tradition will be born.
An Hour Unspent

With Danger Creeping Ever Closer,
Do Their Dreams Still Matter?
Once London’s
top thief, Barclay Pearce has turned his back on his life of crime and
now uses his skills for a nation at war. But not until he rescues a
clockmaker’s daughter from a mugging does he begin to wonder what his
future might hold.
Evelina Manning
has constantly fought for independence but she certainly never meant
for it to inspire her fiancé to end the engagement and enlist in the
army. When the intriguing man who saved her returns to the Manning
residence to study clockwork repair with her father, she can’t help
being interested. But she soon learns that nothing with Barclay Pearce
is as simple as it seems.
As 1915 England
plunges ever deeper into war, the work of an ingenious clockmaker may
give England an unbeatable military edge—and Germany realizes it as
well. Evelina’s father soon finds his whole family in danger—and it may
just take a reformed thief to steal the time they need to escape it.



Thoughtful About . . . The Purpose of Shame

Thoughtful About . . . The Purpose of Shame

by | Oct 4, 2018 | Thoughtful Thursdays

I’m by no means the first person to tackle this subject, and no doubt others have done it better than me. But last week when I wrote about “Actions, Reactions, and Being Better,” I had an anonymous comment accusing me of “woman shaming/blaming.” Another of those phrases that has been tossed around and turned into a fad, but which I think is often misunderstood.

But you know what? Part of the goal to #BeBetter is to know what shame is and why sometimes we need it.
First, let’s cover where shame is bad and where you will NOT find me doing me.

Here’s the definition of shame (the noun) according to Merriam-Webster, the writer’s go-to dictionary:

1: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety


    b

: the susceptibility to such emotion //

have you no shame?




2

: a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute : ignominy

// the shame of being arrested



3a

: something that brings censure or reproach


also

: something to be regretted : pity // 

it’s a shame you can’t go



 
b

: a cause of feeling shame


 And then the verb definitions:
1

: to bring shame to : disgrace

// shamed the family name



2

: to put to shame by outdoing



3

: to cause to feel shame



4

: to force by causing to feel guilty //

shamed into confessing


When people today accuse others of “woman shaming” (or variations of it that include derogatory nouns in place of “woman”), they’re implying that one person is forcing undeserved shame upon another.



Yeah, not cool. We see examples of this, even in the church, when a victim is made to feel guilty or responsible for an assault or crime while the assailant sails by free. As someone in favor of Truth and Justice (with capitol Ts and Js), dat ain’t cool, y’all. This often happens when the accused is in a position of power or authority and others under their authority who have not ever been their target can’t fathom that such a good person would ever do something so heinous, therefore the accuser/victim must be lying.



I daresay most of the time, this is completely unfair, unjust, and results in terribly misplaced and undeserved shame. The victim, who has already suffered, now suffers more. 


To combat this sad trend, we’ve begun to see the mantra of “Always believe the woman” when it comes to rape/abuse/harassment charges. I understand where that’s coming from. And in general, most of the time, it’s probably a wise stance. If it’s where we start. Begin with the notion of “there’s something to this” and then investigate. But let’s also keep in mind that in America, everyone is supposed to be innocent until proven guilty, and that includes those who actually are criminals, not just those falsely accused. We have to be willing to extend this assumption to all or we will not be recipients of it ourselves when we need it most. So “always believe the woman” can’t be the final word, just the starting place. And those who dig into an accusation are not doing anything wrong. They’re simply pursuing the truth.


Because statistically speaking, sometimes the “victim” has lied. Sometimes it’s an agenda or hatred or bitterness or you-name-it against the accused that leads them to lob the accusations.


But honestly, that’s not really what I want to talk about today. What I want to talk about is when we actually NEED shame. Look back at that very first definition:


a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt


Of guilt. Guilt, generally speaking, is when we feel bad for something we have done wrong. Guilt, true guilt, not any misplaced kind, is what happens when our consciences tell us we’ve slipped. We feel bad. And we’re supposed to feel bad. Guilt is the private, inner feeling. Shame is more the public face of it. I might feel guilty if I forget to read my Bible one morning, but there isn’t any public shame involved in. Conversely, if I’ve committed a crime I really don’t feel bad about but then have to face legal consequences, there’s public shame involved as I face the rest of the world. They don’t always go hand in hand, but often they do.


So, since this whole thing started with me asking myself, “am I woman shaming/blaming?” let’s look at that subject, which generally relates to sexual issues. Most of the times I’ve heard this phrase lately has to do with accusations of sexual harassment or rape, those cases in which “always believe the woman” has been enacted. I’ve been thinking about this all week, and here’s where I’ve landed.
First, men need to bear their own responsibility, guilt, and shame for their actions. Period. For too long our society has applauded and idolized the “lady’s man.” Anyone see the James Bond marathons running constantly lately? One reason I’ve always hated the franchise is how ridiculous the women are often portrayed. If I hear “Oh, James!” one more time… But while the feminist-minded modern woman will say that this sort of thing is offensive, let’s look at some of the best-selling stories aimed at women, shall we? 50 Shades, anyone? 

What message are we really broadcasting here? Out of one side of our mouth we’re saying, “I’m your equal, respect me,” and out of the other we’re fantasizing about being dominated by super-hot, powerful men who know what we want even when we “don’t.”

So yes, men bear their own blame, shame, guilt, and responsibility (or should). But here is a truth we all need to understand.
No one else can be counted on to love you or respect you as much as YOU do.
So are you loving and respecting yourself? What does that even look like?
Well for starters, it looks like teaching our daughters not just that they have choices–about when, where, with whom, conception, pregnancy, abortion, adoption, family planning, career paths, whatever–it means teaching them that they have WORTH. I’m not talking about the L’oreal, you-deserve-to-look-beautiful type of worth. I’m talking real worth.

You, my daughter, are so valuable. You are precious and lovable and someone to be cherished. So do you know what I have spent your life doing and will continue to do? I’ll protect you. Because that’s what we do when something is valuable, when something has great worth. WE PROTECT IT.

So how do we, as women, protect ourselves? It’s not just about knowing how to knee in the groin and disarm an attacker (though that doesn’t hurt to know too). We protect ourselves first and foremost by valuing ourselves and letting it be KNOWN that we value ourselves. Kind of like those little signs you put up if you have a great alarm system, right? You warn would-be burglars right away, “Hey, this isn’t an easy target.”

Well, guess what? We need to send the same message to would-be sexual predators. This isn’t fail-proof, just like an alarm system isn’t. It might not keep the real violent offenders away. But it certainly tells the random drunken party-goer that you’re not an easy mark.
Which brings me to point number two. When we protect something, we’re careful where we take it. I don’t know about you, but I’m not wearing my most valuable necklace in the Eiffel Tower where the pickpockets lurk. Just so, I’m not taking myself to the types of parties where these sorts of abuses are common.
Does wearing a low-cut shirt justify a guy for taking advantage? NO. Of course not. His sin rests on him. But we also can’t control him. We can only control ourselves. So let’s control ourselves.
Instead, we’ve created a society that says all shame is bad because there’s no reason to ever feel guilty for sexual behavior unless it violates someone else’s choice.
I don’t believe that. We can’t first strip a thing of all rules and then be amazed when it’s abused. We instead need to recognize the true value. In ourselves, and in the bonds between us. We also need to recognize that there is a place for guilt. And, when we don’t honor and respect ourselves, when we violate the sacred, shame isn’t misplaced.
So, fine. Accuse me of shaming. Sometimes I am. Because sometimes we deserve to feel shame. Sometimes we NEED to feel shame, to remind us that there is a right and a wrong.
But here’s the thing. Condemning a practice doesn’t mean judging an individual. I can say prostitution is bad without throwing stones at the fourteen-year-old girl who has been forced into it. I can say it BECAUSE of her. Because of the harm done to the women, children, and even men who find themselves in it, very few by happy circumstances.
Same goes with the milder forms of sexual sin, which I do not hesitate to call sin. I can say it’s wrong BECAUSE I’ve seen how it hurts people. How it damages relationships, how it hurts our hearts, how it destroys families. We’ve told ourselves for decades that it doesn’t hurt anyone.
But it does. It hurts us. It creates a chasm between us and God. It whittles away at the idea of what true love really is. Because it becomes too entwined with the physical. And ultimately, that even comes between us and our significant other.
How do we change the world? We start by respecting ourselves. Valuing ourselves. Teaching our children to do the same. And when we fail in that, the true purpose of guilt and shame is to remind us that we CAN and SHOULD #BeBetter.

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