“Let’s agree to disagree.”

I’m sure you’ve heard the sentiment. You’ve probably even said it. I know I have.

But in recent years, I’ve come to hate that statement. Want to know why?

Because when we use it, it never means, We may not agree, but let’s have a conversation anyway. No. Instead, it shuts down conversation. We’re never going to agree, so let’s just talk about something else.

Sometimes, that can be a healthy response, if it avoids altercations and anger that could fester. But I think most often, it’s an escape. It’s an easy way out of what might be hard conversations that would challenge us. And I don’t think it accomplishes much. More, I think there are better ways to avoid altercations and anger.

Something I’ve learned anew recently, talking about hard subjects with people who see things differently, is that we are SUPPOSED to see things differently. Because we are different. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: You and I will NOT agree on everything–not even everything important. Know how I know? Because I have yet to encounter anyone with whom I agree 100% about everything. Even my husband. Even my best friend. Even my family. But we love each other anyway. Not despite those differences–because of them. And more, we know that we can talk about those things and gain a perspective from each other that we just don’t have on our own.

And that’s why I’ve come to hate anything that shuts down conversation. That’s why I shake my head, now, at this phrase.

Because when we stop having conversations with people who disagree with us, we stop learning. We stop growing. We stop stretching our minds and considering new perspectives. 

And when we do that? It’s so, so easy to stop loving our neighbors. To stop seeing them as valuable people worthy of respect and dignity.

I’ve seen a lot of social media posts lately where friends have been stating their beliefs and inviting people to unfollow or unsubscribe if they disagree–and I get that. What they’re doing is saying, “This is what I’ll be saying. If you don’t want to hear from me, that’s fine.” Especially on social media, where true conversation is so hard, where shouting matches and outrage often prevail, this can be a sane person’s guide to retaining that sanity. 😉

And yet, I’m here to say something different. I’m here to say, “I’m sharing what I believe. If you disagree, that’s awesome! Let’s talk!!”

Why?

Because that’s how I learn. That’s how my opinions gain nuance and my understanding is refined. It’s how I encounter new ideas and see the world through different eyes. That’s how I deepen my respect for you. That’s what will inform my thoughts as I consider that subject in the future.

I’m not always perfect at it, I can admit that. Especially when I’m in a season of overwhelm, when people share their sources or opinions on something that isn’t in the forefront of my mind or which requires more research than I feel capable of in that moment, my instant reaction is to want to shut down. To say, “I just can’t think about that right now.” And sure, sometimes I just put a pin in it for later.

But something I have been training myself to never do is say, “Thanks, but I disagree. And let’s just leave it at that. Let’s agree to disagree.” Because that says, “Don’t bother me with this anymore.” That says, “I don’t value your opinion or perspective enough to really consider it.”

Sometimes considering that other perspective is hard. Sometime it hurts. Sometimes it clangs around in your head, a dissonance with everything you believe. When that happens? Don’t lean away–lean into it. Ask why it’s hard. Ask why it hurts. Ask whether it’s really a dissonance…or a harmony.

Because unity, my friends, doesn’t mean one note. It doesn’t mean we’re all singing the same melody line. Sometimes, it means we’re singing in harmony. And sometimes, it means we’re singing in counterpoint.

If you’re unfamiliar with what that is, it predates modern harmony, with each voice singing a separate line, a separate melody…and when put together, it’s some of the most breathtakingly beautiful music you’ll ever hear. (I give you Palestrina’s “Sicut Cervus,” which is the Latin version of “As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after Thee.” One of my favorite songs in the entire history of the world–embedded video below, if you don’t want to leave to follow the link to YouTube. Press play while you keep reading, LOL.)

This kind of unity–the kind that admits multiple viewpoints, multiple opinions, that not only allows them but celebrates them–is critical to a vibrant society. It’s critical to a family. To a community. To a church. It doesn’t mean we don’t partake of the same Truth. It doesn’t mean we compromise on our core principles.

It means that we admit that we don’t live in a world of black and white. We live in a world of full-spectrum color that includes some shades our human eyes aren’t even capable of seeing. (I wrote the post linked above about this just a few days before I was diagnosed with cancer in 2024, and I think about it often.) We live in a world created by a God who first set down Laws and then sent His Son to fulfill them and show us how to live them out in love, which so often meant seeing not the letter of that law but the heart behind it.

Though it isn’t easy, I’ve been working toward that celebration. Toward not just being okay with disagreements but getting excited when someone comes with a new viewpoint. Because that means I’ll learn something. That’s means I’ll get to exercise my mind and my heart. That means I’ll have the opportunity to make a new friend as I dig down to where we have common ground and truly seek to understand them.

I’m not going to agree to disagree with you. I’m going to rejoice that you can show me something I haven’t seen before. I’ll share my thoughts, where I am, with openness and vulnerability…and I’ll welcome you doing the same. I won’t set out to change your mind and you won’t set out to change mine…but I’ll set out to change my own heart. To better understand yours.

Will we end up agreeing? About most things, yes. I bet we will. About everything? Never. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop talking to you about it. It means I’ll learn a little more about the journey you’re on, the path you’re walking, and what God is teaching you along the way. And I’ll trust that this world we see only in part, dimly, as in a mirror, still has a lot to teach me. All to prepare me for the day I see clearly, face-to-face. Someday, we’ll have full understanding of all these things that come between us now.

And until then, I’m not agreeing to disagree. I’m agreeing to learn from the perspective that only YOU can bring.

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